Gnomes! The unknown pest in the UK. These little guys are everywhere, they steal our fish and show their arses to our women thinking it is cute. They don’t seem to care about the damage they cause.
So just like Henry II who demanded the death of all hedgehogs for stealing milk from cows I’m demanding a nationwide cull on these monsters.
This series of blogs will help you with the mission.
A Croquet Mallet. Ideal for smashing them, you can get a pretty good swing with this device. I recommend practicing swinging it about for at least 3 hours on yer front lawn whilst listening to 80’s pop music.
A Net. This could be helpful for those ones that move really fast, make sure it is a strong net cos I’m sure I’ve seen Gnomes with axes before.
Gnome Detector. I may do a blog on how to make your own gnome detector once I’ve worked out the mechaniks, sourcing enough plutonium and cardboard is proving difficult. For now use the eye binocular technique.
Packed Lunch. Obvs for when you get hungry, you can also use it as bait to capture and slaughter hedgehogs and thus keeping the ghost of King Henry II happy.
A Goat. These guys are notoriously well known for hunting Gnomes….well I think they are, aren’t they? Anyway as an added bonus you could train the goat to carry your stuff or even sacrifice it to the god of hedgehogs as an apology.
That should be enough for now, get your kit ready and I’ll sort out something about how to track them down.