Fake Interviews: Satan

Hi and welcome to a new feature here at this blog.  Fake interviews with real or imaginary figures from history.  I will be the master interviewer and there will be an amazing guest answering the questions on behalf of the person being interviewed…..or something like that.

Anyways….today I will be interviewing the big red man from below, the beast with a 1000 names, the man who likes to shove pineapples up bottoms, that’s right it is Satan himself!

Alright mate?  How’s it hanging? Is it ok if I call you Mavis? 

Oh, I’m not too great at the moment actually. I’ve got the flu, so I’m sneezing fireballs everywhere, even though Mrs. Satan keeps telling me it’s just a cold and I’m being a big pansy.

And it’s Supreme Overlord Mavis to you. 

Q1. I’m gonna have to start with the big question, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost….Love, marry or kill? 

Can I kill all of them? 

No. 

What about two of them? 

No. 

Well, I suppose the Holy Ghost is dead already…

Hmm, O.K. I suppose I’d have to love God, ‘cos I must admit I’d be a bit lonely doing all this deceiving and sinning malarkey without a nemesis to watch me. I’d marry Christ – just to see the look on his face when the wedding night comes. And I’d kill the Holy Ghost, ‘cos I don’t currently possess the metaphysical knowhow to do that. 

Q2. A question from Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton.  Who is the biggest bell end in Hell right now? 

Thanks for the question Abbygale! The biggest bell end in Hell at the moment is undoubtedly Margaret Thatcher. When she sold her soul to me in the 80s, I had presumed she’d be the ideal candidate to help me run Hell once she died, but since she’s been here, the old bat’s done nothing but upset all the tortured souls, imps and Hollywood celebs. First off, she took away the free drinkable-blood from the schools for demonic cherubs, and then she started closing down all the fiery pits. But the worse thing she’s done is to repaint Hell with blue paint. Gone are the blood-red walls, vermilion carpets and lava rivers. Honestly, it’s become really embarrassing. I daren’t have the Hitlers over for afternoon tea and cake any more. 

Q3. Ever had a fling with a celebrity? 

I’m proud to say that I’ve laid 98.7% of all celebrities. Why, only last week I had Ben Stiller, Simon Cowell, Justin Bieber, and every girl that’s ever been in The Pussycat Dolls sitting on my half-mile long cock, bouncing up and down on it like it was a seesaw. Although I’ve had to stop inviting Theresa May to my orgies, ‘cos she wants to do things that make even me blush. 

Q4. In the world of literature who would you say is the biggest sinner? 

Well, Dan Brown gave me more blow jobs than anyone else, so I guess that makes him the biggest sinner. 

Q5. Have you ever considered writing a new version of the bible, this time in your own words…..unlesss….noooooo….did you write the original under one of those name de ploomes? 

Who do you think came up with all that whacky end-of-the-world Judgement Day rapture Revelation nonsense?

When Christians say that the Bible is the word of God, they’re absolutely right. They just don’t know that GOD stands for Good Ol’ Devil.

I must say, you’re very astute at picking up on my authorship of the book, and The Holy Bible 2, including the Gospels of Bridget Jones and Howard from the Halifax adverts, is currently being proofread. 

Q6. The Pyramids, being one of the oldest beings around do you know what their original purpose was? 

People might be surprised at just how big I am in my natural state, when I’m not shapeshifting into snakes and estate agents; so it makes me laugh when I hear all of these weirdo theories about the pyramids. They were simply things for me to use to wipe dog shit off the bottom of my sandals. 

Q7. Do you watch those cop shows and do you get depressed with just how pathetic the human race has become? 

Oh, seeing the dumbing-down-ness of the human being makes me quite the opposite of depressed. The more pathetic they become, the more I revel in blissful joy. Who do you think gave the TV execs the idea for such shows as Storage Hunters and Made In Chelsea? And I love influencing those cop shows so that people think all black people are criminals. Hahahaha! People are so darn stupid! The only people that make me depressed are those with original thoughts who watch things like Stewart Lee. They’re all bastards, but I’ll get them one of these days. 

Q8. You are well known for your scheming and tempting, what is your proudest moment? 

Making Christian children dress up as me every Halloween. That cracks me up every time. 

Oh, and it was me that started depicting Jesus as a white man. I’m pretty proud of how much that caught on. 

Q9. Can we have a book recommendation from you? 

Well, Anton LaVey’s Satanic Bible is a must read, as is the Marquis De Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom, but the most engaging thing I’ve read recently was the novella Prezident Scumbag! by Rupert Dreyfus, which is a deadly serious, far-right-propaganda piece depicting stupid peace-wanting crusty hippies as the worthless pieces of shit they are, whilst also displaying how important it is that we have someone like Donald Trump in charge of everything; although there was some weird-ass British humour in that book which, admittedly, I might have misunderstood. 

Q10. Unless Donald Trump suddenly starts saving lost kittens I assume he will be coming to you for a stay one of these days….What you got planned for him? 

I was a supporter of Trump’s from the get-go, but I am a bit worried that when he gets down here, he’ll be trying to take over. In fact, I’ve already heard rumours that he wants to build a wall between Hell and Purgatory, so I’ll need to keep my eye on him. I’m planning to keep him sedated by having Genghis Khan fart in his face every five minutes for all of eternity. Trust me, it’s worse than it sounds – I’ve never known anyone’s farts to be as smelly and debilitating as Genghis Kahn’s. 

Any last words before you get back from whence you came? 

Your cover mucks socks in Hell! 

Er, do you mean ‘Your mother sucks cocks in Hell?’ 

Mm? Oh, um, yes… that’s what I meant to say: Your mother sucks cocks in Hell! 

It doesn’t sound quite as horrifying as when you first said it. 

Really? Oh, should I do it again then? 

Nah.

I would like to thank the worlds mightiest poet, Harry Whitewolf, for allowing Satan to use him like a ventriloquist’s doll…I hope the experience wasn’t too uncomfortable for you and I’ve been assured you’ll be able to walk straight in a few days.

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