Fake Interviews: Edgar Allan Poe


For this interview may I welcome the master of the macabre Mr Edgar Poe. Born in 1809 and considered a bit of a rock star in the short story world….and according to Wikipedia the possible inventor of detective stories.  I’m gonna try and ignore all that shit and get to the bottom of what makes him tick.

Hello there, how’s it hanging mate?  What do you like to be called?

I am willing to confess that most days, it, my old serpent, hangs with a distinct slope to the left. Yet tonight I am utterly aghast to find it with a curious sloping to the right. It’s a modest size, perhaps five inches when in slumber, but it can become an altogether different beast when presented with big bosoms, for I am no stranger to the stormy libido which blights the lives of all creatures!

As for the second enquiry: my infinitely preferred cognomen is Ed.

Ah, thanks for all that extra info….I think.

Q1. Is it true you were born Edgar Poe?  Where did the Allan come from then?

Dear boy! Must you conjure up such wicked memories! My foster father, John Allan, was a ghastly figure and it was he who forced Allan into my title; like a fat man forces on his drawers every morning. And just like a fat man’s drawers, Allan would come to irritate my buttocks throughout life. This is why John and I endured a disastrous antibiosis for many years. If only he knew the difference between a family name and a Christian name.

Q2. In 2019 you’re gonna be 210 years old, that is flipping amazing it’s almost like being 21 again, you got any plans for a party? (If you invite me I promise to get you one of those mugs from card factory)

One has never understood those who celebrate the arbitrary passing of time. Regardless, I do have a plan of sorts. You must not tell a soul, Rocky, but in 2019 I plan to return to this mortal realm as… the Poe Toaster! You are invited to bear witness. But only if you promise not to tell a soul.

I’ll try to keep it a secret but when you work with souls it’s going to be tough.

Q3. It’s that old Love, Marry, Kill Question.  Ralph Waldo Emerson, Aldous Huxley and….Queen Elizabeth I.

Good old Ralph! Ralph would, without a shadow of a doubting Thomas, be killed; preferably by a falling tree just to teach him that nature actually hates us and therefore his entire philosophical position was utter nonsense.

I do not love Queen Elizabeth; rather I would have loved her to give me a portion of her wealth. Does that pass?

As for Aldous Huxley; I have never heard of the man. Who is he? What is he celebrated for? Do enlighten me…

Aldous was born and died after you, I thought maybe you might have met him in the afterlife, he was a big fan of yours.  I did expect him to become a stalker at one point. 

Charming! I have just been informed by my superiors that Aldous has never showed up in the afterlife. He took one too many mescaline experiences and is still working out how to operate the doorknob. Apparently he has been talking to it ever since nineteen sixty-three.

Q4. As if I could possibly shut her up, here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton. “Dude! I’ve read all your books and I gotta say you are Emo as fuck! My question is about an argument I’ve had with FrunC#sca from Lower Twatton, she says when putting on eyeliner you should use a spoon to get the right shape around your eye, I say she should fuck off and use the curve of a Bowie knife.  Who is right? And do you have any other makeup tips?

I can only apologize, dearest Abbygale, for we do not speak the same idiom. Something, something, emo, something, something, Twatton, something, something, Bowie knife… I have no idea what any of this means. Please may you ask me in good old-fashioned English and I promise you a reply?

Abbygayle: What? That is soooo unfair this is how I was taught at school before I was expelled innit, I’m going to go and read Harry Potter now.

…I have absolutely no idea who or what you are blithering on about.

Q5. There is a lot of speculation on your death, all very sudden and when you got to hospital you were in a really bad way. Are you able to shed any light on what happened?

All the exotic speculations about the cause of my death are damned fabrications, falsehoods and fictions. People have such colorful imaginations about these matters, but I’m afraid that the truth is rather unsavoury: I had a stroke not long after dropping a log into a bucket. I went staggering around the streets of Baltimore, looking for something to scrub my buttocks with. I eventually collapsed and was taken to the hospital where the coroner checked my soiled drawers. He then wrote ‘Edgar Allan Pooed’ on my death certificate but he could not bring himself to file it.

Understandably the theories soon spread like wildfire and to this day nobody knows the real cause.

Q6. What is your opinion on the state of the world today?  Are we well and truly screwed or is there a way we can turn things around?

The state of the world today is a curious affair and nothing more than a nightmare within a nightmare…

Can humankind turn this carnival of despair around? Not before we’re lying dead and rotting in the ground…

Q7. The Raven is one of your most popular poems, are you a fan of it?  Have you seen The Simpsons interpretation of it?  (Here is the clip of it in case you haven’t )

Dearest boy! I cannot answer your enquiries in turn because the second one infuriates me! Poems are not to be “seen”; they are to be read and cherished and loved and relished! What else do people of the future do? Drink music? Grow a game of chess? Throw a book? I want none of it.

Now we have cleared up the confusion surrounding your mysterious use of verbs; I will attempt to address your second enquiry: tonight I have read your clip numerous times by candle light and I simply cannot decipher its meaning. I see a “tube” and a “watch”. Neither of these things appear in The Raven. And how does one even pronounce blixjapqsyy? I can only imagine that this Simpsons which you speak of is a fanciful idiom of the future, a language spoken by the tongues of a forthcoming Age. I am only too glad that I died when I did. Amen.

Ah sorry.  I can ask Abbygayle if you can borrow her smartphone, but it’s an iPhone and I’m worried that might make you spiral out of control.

My head is beginning to hurt. As for the first enquiry; yes. I am a fan of The Raven. It’s the greatest poem written by man. Next question…

Q8. Book recommendations:  What single book do you think people should read?  (I’m thinking of putting a fake book list together featuring all the recommendations by you famous spirits so make sure it’s a good’un)

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey.

Q9. Let’s talk about enemies now, you seem to have picked up a nemesis in Rufus Griswold.  What happened there, who fell out with who?

Rufus is a devil who never appreciated my superior poetic craftmanship. But one night, while he was hosting a dinner party, I took revenge by placing my old serpent into his glass of port and urinating until my bladder was empty. I then delighted in watching him consume the golden shandy while flirting with Ms Osgood. I never kissed her again.

Q10. If Trump was President when you were alive how would you have dealt with him?  He must been an ideal candidate for one of your short stories.

If Trump had been among the Founding Fathers, I would have conjured up an outfit of intemperate chamber musicians. This outfit would reside in Cumberland, England and would embark on a voyage across the seas to the scorching state of California. Once there they would consume plenty of laudanum and cider before pursuing the wretched statesman across America until his head was skewered on a stake.

Any quill driver who dares to pickpocket this bewildering idea, may he burn in Hell for all eternity.

Well that brings us to the end of this interview I would like to thank Rupert Dreyfus, another talented author also well known for his short stories, for playing the part of host, the numb legs will soon go and after a week or two you should be walking fine again. To find out more about Rupert check out his website, follow him on the twitter @Rupert_Dreyfus and check out his might fine collection on amazon.

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