Fake Interview: John Spadula


Hello everybody, today’s interview is with the great naturalist John Spaduala, the supposed inventor of the spatula. He is also rumoured to have saved the life of 4 people, two by releasing them from his sex dungeon, one was a surfer plucked from the jaws of a rabid shark and the 4th person’s life was saved when John stopped her from watching “I’m a celebrity…” 

Hello John, how are you doing?  What name do you like to go by?

Aye. Some folks call me Johnny. I’ve been trying to get my rap career going so I’ve rebranded myself as Lil Spaddy. Check out my Soundcloud. (Link not provided, use google)

Q1. Let’s get right down to business, Spatulas!  Did you know that Ken Hom gives away a free spatula with each wok that gets sold?  How does that make you feel?  You must be tens of pounds out of pocket over that.

It hurts on the inside but I don’t fault Ken personally. I’ve been screwed out of spatula money ever since I invented the thing. Everyone wants a piece of the pie, and they cut me right out.

Being the inventor of the interview I know exactly how you feel.

Q2. You are organising a party, you only have enough cash to hire one machine, smoke machine/popcorn machine or snow machine.  Which one do you pick and why?

I’d get the popcorn machine ’cause my dudes would come through with the smoke and the snow, you feel me?

Q3. I know it’s only a matter of time before you become married to Scarlet Johannson, what name are you going to give to your first born?

We’re hoping for a girl who we can name Farrah, after Farrah Abraham from MTV’s Teen Mom. Scarlet and I consider her a personal hero. If the baby is a boy, we’ll probably name him Randy Newman.

Q4. Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton has a question for you. “WTF is the difference between a Spatula and a fish slice?

The fish slice is a bastardization of my original tool, and you’re a bastard if you use one. Seriously. Go straight to hell, for all I care.

Q5. What toppings do you have on pancakes?

Butter, maple syrup, and Xanax.

Q6. Done anything rad when you were younger?  Who was your best friend growing up?

I had this friend Chris who I used to kick it with all the time. One time me and Chris and a bunch of friends had this really kickass party at the beach. We had lots of beer and started a bonfire. It was a themed party, so we had matching towels and stuff like that. Anyway, at some point I noticed Chris was missing. I thought maybe he went into the bushes to take a leak or something, so I didn’t worry too much about it. About an hour or so later, it’s hard to say exactly ’cause I was pretty lit, I realized he still wasn’t back and I started to get really freaked out. We started looking all over the place for him. I walked up and down the beach calling for him, but he didn’t answer. A couple people went into the woods nearby and they were looking for him. By this point it had gotten dark, and the only source of light was their phones because nobody had thought we’d need a flashlight out there. Keep in mind, this was back in the flip-phone days, so there wasn’t much light. Nobody could find Chris. It was scary as hell. A couple people climbed up a hill to see if he’d fallen off the other side or something. My friend Dave went through all the cars, trying to see if he’d passed out in one. Somebody looked under a dock. There they saw a rock. It wasn’t a rock. It was a rock lobster.

That is a really interesting story, Hopefully one day somebody might sit down and write a song about that.

Q7. Book recommendation time.  Please could you tell me your favourite book for me to add to the fake library?

I’ve always been a fan of Revenge of the Tiger, by Claude Balsac.

Q8. Picture this….The cops have pulled you over, you have something illegal in the car….let’s say it is a pregnant panda stolen from a zoo…each cop is armed with a gun, one of them has an ankle holster too, but you don’t know which one. Explain in detail how you get out of this one.

I’d tell them the panda was my wife, and that she was in labor, and ask them if they could escort us to the hospital.

I hope Scarlet doesn’t find out about this.

Q9. What is your favourite joke?

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? Well, the chickpea has been a staple of human diets dating back as far as 3500 BC, but folks have been eating lentils since 11,000 BC. Chickpeas are very slightly higher in calories, and have three times as much fat as lentils, plus a lot more sodium. Lentils actually have more protein, with about 18 grams per cup versus the 12 you’ll get by eating a cup of chickpeas. Dried chickpeas take a good couple hours to cook, while lentils are ready in a fraction of the time. Also, nobody ever paid fifty bucks to have a lentil on their face.

HAHAHA  I get it.

Q10. You have met President Trump at a nudist colony, how do you handle that situation?

He’d probably have Secret Service escort me off the premises, because he’d be intimidated by my enormous penis.

I would like to thank George Billions for being the victim for this interview, He is the creation of John Spaduala, so without the hard work of George we wouldn’t have spatulas.  You can thank him on Goodreads  and I recommend checking out his Web Site  It has some great info on the origins of John Spaduala.  Finally check out his books too, I recommend Fidget Spinners Destroyed My Family.


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