Interviews

Fake Interview: Spring-Heeled Jack

JackHello folks, I have a very exciting interview for you today, Spring-Heeled Jack, half man, half legend, half demon, half moustache and a whole load of handsome daredevilness.  He is also possibly the founding member of the free-runners, you know those silly people with too much energy that jump about on buildings, and maybe the original Batman! 

Hello Jack, it is an honour to have you here. 

Q1.  Are you Batman?

How dare you! Since escaping from my self-imposed exile I have acquainted myself with the fascinating workings of your super web of information and this man of the bats seems to have an unaccountable stranglehold on modern times. He is nothing but a mountebank! I have returned from my early and enforced retirement to reclaim my rightful spot as Prince of City Prancing. You see, I was having a particularly enthusiastic bout of leaping—for this is my principal talent—when, after a rather reckless vault, I jumped my way right into an abandoned silo, somewhere up north. These years I’ve been amusing myself by hatching numerous escape plans, none of which turned out on the successful side. It is well known that I have the power of frosty fingers that will give anyone the willies, but what is less known is that my demonically red eyes can excite objects to burst into flame if I stare intensely. My understanding of this bat fellow runs deep, but whereas his experience with bats proved him to be lily-livered—or at least a touch dramatic—and traumatised the poor man into vigilantism, I on the other hand toasted the bats that resided in the silo one by one! Such beautiful, and melodious (in their dying screams), flying torches they made, the only light source in my prison. As their flame died, along with their lives, they fell to me to become a crusty bat snack. Eventually the silo wall rusted to such an extent all that was required of me was a strong push with my superior thighs and I kicked my way to freedom. Would your Batman have possessed such patience? I suspect not!

Q2.  You have a mighty fine moustache that all the ladies love, do you have any grooming tips for all those 14yr old boys out there just starting on their face’s lifetime obsession with growing hair? 

From observing the unkempt hirsuteness on display across this fair land it is evident your young fellows need the hard-earned advice of a seasoned moustache twirler such as myself. There is nothing more conducive to the pleasing styling of a man’s face fuzz than the bracing wind of open country. So, I would suggest that packs of youngsters descend on the wilderness to shape their furs in mass galavanting sessions. In your modern parlance, I’m bringing dastardly back.

Q3. Why did you start doing all this creepy stuff at night?  Did it all start as something innocent that grew out of control?

Well, I wish I could claim youthful high jinks as an excuse, but I’m a rotter through and through! I began testing my wickedness by leaping from bushes to rattle the nerves of young maids, who were especially susceptible to swooning fits at the time. What else could be expected of a being such as myself—what with piercing red eyes, deathly freezing digits, worrying breath of flame, and unnatural cloven strides? No, a conventional life would never have me, so I decided early on to make my mark in a diabolical fashion. Since my recent reintroduction to society I have become aware that my previous methods of garnering notoriety will not now serve me well, as the modern maid is rebelling against such surprise attacks with self-possession and derision, and what supernatural power can combat such a thing? 

Q4. Do you have a social media presence? (I couldn’t be arsed to look). 

I am everywhere and nowhere. Where the eerie wind howls at night—I am there! Where dark shadows creep around corners—that is me! I’m on Snapchat.

Q5. There would normally be a question from Abbygayle, aged 6, from Upper Twatton, but she is literally under her bed crapping herself, I am assuming it is because of your scary appearance….any soothing words to help us coax her out from under her bed? 

I’d sing to her, in the style of a lullaby, I’d Rather Jack by The Reynolds Girls. (VIDEO) 

Q6.  Could you give me a book recommendation?  Possibly your favourite book written about yourself?

The only book I’ve read outside of the silo is Jump Attack: The Ultimate Program on how to Jump Higher and be More Explosive by Tim S. Glover. No book about me is worth reading as no one (apart from myself, obviously) can possibly capture the grandness and spectacle of my existence!  

Q7. You have spent a lot of time out and about, you must have seen some crazy shit out there, what is the most memorable moment for you?

I once saw John Ruskin kiss a hedgehog when he thought no one was looking, if that’s the type of salacious incident you are suggesting. As for the many other sights I’ve seen, my public will have to wait in drooling anticipation for my autobiography, Spring-heeled Jack: Ultimate Bounder. 

Q8. Share with me the creepiest video you can find on YouTube. (You can make your own if you like)

This is your toughest question yet! Before my accidental incarceration I thought I understood, and if I do say so myself, was the master of true creepiness. The YouTube has opened my red eyes to layers of creepy I am ashamed to have never imagined! So many depraved delights to select from, a true embarrassment of riches. Such as the footage of the time that queer fellow in a Max Headroom mask interrupted an episode of Dr Who, and began babbling in an art happening fashion until it became apparent it was all for getting his rocks off, or, of course, the terrifying sight of the Argentinian gnome. But I have found my answer, and it may shock you in its superficial benevolence. Nothing is as creepy as the lips of Donkey Ollie. Some may say that a donkey spreading a Christian message via the medium of ropey computer animation is harmless enough. But they would be wrong! His STD homage of a mouth insidiously hypnotises as his plaintive voice destroys resistance with tribute nineties power ballads. No one is safe from such an onslaught!

Q9.  Picture this, you have just pulled this stunning bird outside the Hogshead and she agrees to go on a date with you the next day.  Talk us through what you’d plan for the big date. 

Needless to say, having time for ladies that aren’t automatically running away from me has not been a priority. However, I’ve been trying to rectify this, as female distraction can be amusing in small doses. I made a short film of my thoughts after a recent date to a river bank went a bit wrong. Rather inevitably, I came back alone.

Q10.  You are crawling around on the roof of the Whitehouse and President Trump opens a door and comes outside for a wee.  What do you do?  

Use my frosty mitts to freeze him, mid flow, so solid no warmth could ever thaw him. This new statue, a modern update of that peeing boy ornament people put pond side, will be a fitting reminder of his time in office. I could usurp the presidency myself, but no office will cage me. No, I will skip away into the night in search of mischief. See you there.

Holy Crap! I am so glad that interview is over, those red eyes man!  I’ll be unable to sleep for weeks.

I would like to thank Rebecca Gransden for playing the part of Spring-Heeled Jack and for going the extra mile and creating that very creepy video of Jack’s date. If you enjoyed this then you really got to check out her books, incredibly vivid writing, check out my review of Rusticles.  You can find her on TWITTER. Also check out her website.

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