THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE A GNOME By Lindsey Martin-Bowen

A Poem by Lindsey Martin-Bowen © 2019

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE A GNOME

It was like this: Joey the Baboon couldn’t find
his way home. At the street corner, he spotted
Oscar the Gnome, who traveled worldwide
posing for shots in Amelie’s film. So
Joey asked Oscar for an autograph
and a pathway back to the school yard
where Julio hung out. Besides, Joey planned
to stick Julio for a ride. See, Julio toured
with Paul and Art, but took off Tuesdays
to drive Joey to basketball practice. And
today, Joey promised Oscar he’d nab him
free tickets to the Central Park Concert
if he’d lead him back to school. Being no fool,
Oscar took him up on the deal, tossed the baboon
into his Oscar Wiener-mobile, and they flew
to the school yard in a quick afternoon.
There, Julio was about to fly but
stopped for Joey to give him a ride,
and they got potted before the concert.
Just the same, all were pleased and agree,
there’s no better place for a gnome.

Massive thanks to Lindsey for writing this poem as part of a Goodreads Friend request and for letting me post this on my blog.  Go check her out on Goodreads.

Tis the season

Well the weather is starting to warm up here in the UK and it seems the Gnome hibernation is over. I was out and about yesterday and they were everywhere.  Here is the first sighting of the year….

It looks like the Gnome Scientists have been working on their disguises over the winter, Astro-turfed hats?  It is now no longer safe to walk past gardens with fake lawns anymore.  Pretty sure those two at the bottom are up to no good, the makings of a Molotov lantern and a corpse-barrow?

Time to get the Gnome guns out and give them the once over.

Gnome Hunting Part 2

I’m still working on the designs for the gnome detector, it’s going well so far, I’ve nearly eaten all the biscuits from the biscuit tin I’m planning to use.

So, to keep you hunters happy I thought I’d do a blog on where you can find Gnomes and their techniques for hiding.

Location

Gnomes can be found all over the world as this map shows:

Gnomes can be found in the areas marked in green, everywhere else is safe…. well safe but teeming with monsters.

Favourite hiding spots

You can find gnomes hiding everywhere imaginable, including inside President Trump.  Here are some of the more common locations.

Behind a leaf

In grass

Underwater

EVEN UNDER YOUR SKIN!!!!

Hopefully you’ve got an idea of where to go hunting.

Remember we wanna see this:

And NOT this:

Good luck hunters.

Gnome Hunting Part 1

Gnomes!  The unknown pest in the UK.  These little guys are everywhere, they steal our fish and show their arses to our women thinking it is cute.  They don’t seem to care about the damage they cause.

So just like Henry II who demanded the death of all hedgehogs for stealing milk from cows I’m demanding a nationwide cull on these monsters.

 

This series of blogs will help you with the mission.

 

HUNTING EQUIPMENT:

 

A Croquet Mallet. Ideal for smashing them, you can get a pretty good swing with this device.  I recommend practicing swinging it about for at least 3 hours on yer front lawn whilst listening to 80’s pop music.

 

A Net. This could be helpful for those ones that move really fast, make sure it is a strong net cos I’m sure I’ve seen Gnomes with axes before.

 

Gnome Detector.  I may do a blog on how to make your own gnome detector once I’ve worked out the mechaniks, sourcing enough plutonium and cardboard is proving difficult.  For now use the eye binocular technique.

Packed Lunch.  Obvs for when you get hungry, you can also use it as bait to capture and slaughter hedgehogs and thus keeping the ghost of King Henry II happy.

 

A Goat. These guys are notoriously well known for hunting Gnomes….well I think they are, aren’t they?  Anyway as an added bonus you could train the goat to carry your stuff or even sacrifice it to the god of hedgehogs as an apology.

 

That should be enough for now, get your kit ready and I’ll sort out something about how to track them down.