Gnomes

There’s Gnome Place like Leah Angstman’s Literary Garden

I purchased an overgrown lot in 2019 that sits on a very visible Colorado corner, with the intention of turning this eyesore into a community garden. As 2020 took its pandemic toll on everyone, and my neighborhood bookstore closed, I realized that I needed to make the space more literary-minded, to fill a gap and to keep books accessible to the downtown area of my small city. Thus was born a community literary garden, filled with benches, Little Free Libraries sorted by genre, a self-serve coffee carafe, free Wi-Fi, an outdoor stage, picnic tables … and gnomes.

The gnomes are popular with the neighborhood kids (especially the solar gnomes that light up in the evening), but the gnome names are already on their way to becoming local lore and legend. Let me introduce some of my favorites.

Genome

I have to start off with Genome (or G-nome … or G-gnome?) because he was my first gnome. He somehow managed to find his way back and forth across the U.S. with me, traveling from Seattle to Boston to San Francisco to Boulder, for no apparent reason. Eventually, it seemed I would never be rid of him, so I might as well get some mileage out of him. He’s a little faded and chipped these days, but he’s the one who started off the whole collection.

Gnome N. Clature

I have a plethora of solar-lit gnomes that light walkways at night. My favorite is Gnome N. Clature, shown above, keeping guard over the invasive, never-ending bindweeds (blargh). He collects sunlight during the day, and at night, his little lights skitter in his jar like tiny fireflies.

Gnome de Plume

My other favorite solar-lit dude is Gnome de Plume, my French gnome guarding the wild rhubarb. He gathers sun during the day to light his adorable cut-out shapes at night.

Gnomad

And guarding the succulents is Gnomad, hitching a ride on Archimedes. I’m a huge fan of owls, so I have a special place in my heart for these two. Gnomad is probably my favorite gnome of all of them, though it’s hard to choose (and a mother should never choose favorites among her children!).

Watering Spikes

Throughout the garden, everywhere that I’ve planted bulbs, I stick watering spikes into the ground. These terra cotta spikes catch rain and sprinkler water, fill up, and then release the water in a slow drip into the bulb roots to keep them moist throughout a very dry, hot summer day. Among the watering spikes are many gnome spikes, including (in the picture on the above left) Gnome Chomsky, and on the right: Gnoman Bates in the rear and Gnomer Pyle in the forefront. (I do apologize that my little guys are rather U.S.-centric for this U.K. blog, but hey!, gnome love is universal! They are named after Noam Chomsky, Norman Bates, and Gomer Pyle, respectively.)

Great Catsby

And last for now, guarding the corner of the community vegetable greenhouse, is The Great Catsby, keeping the naughty gnomes in check. Here, trying to steal my cucumbers, are Gnomer Simpson, Abby Gnomal, Joey Ragnome, and Sherlock Gnomes. (The U.S.-centric names come from Homer Simpson, Abby Normal, and Joey Ramone.) Just out of sight is my only female gnome (I know, I know!), Miss Gnomer. I’m working on adding more ladies to the bunch, though I’ve been told by my partner that I can’t add any more gnomes to the garden until I actually add some flowers. Sigh. We’ll see how long that arrangement lasts.

Massive thanks to Leah for sharing this amazing garden with us, a wonderful way to bring Gnomes to the community and to help with their rather slow takeover of planet Earth. Leah Angstman is the author of the debut novel of King William’s War in 17th-century New England, OUT FRONT THE FOLLOWING SEA (Regal House, January 2022), and the editor-in-chief of Alternating Current Press and The Coil magazine. Find her at leahangstman.com and all over social media as @leahangstman.

Gnomes

The Gnome Gallery

This page is dedicated to Tony Hart’s gallery from his art show from when I were a kid and gnomes were less sinister.  Anybody can post a drawing they have done of gnomes, just shout at me on TWITTER and I’ll add your drawing to the gallery.  So to get you in the mood here is a Tony Hart’s gallery music to have running in the background.

11. Leah Angstman (Gnomebody’s Home)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Leah Angstman, you can find the full interview HERE:

10. Thommy Waite (Gnome-aste)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Thommy Waite, you can find the full interview HERE:

9. Anna Chilvers (A Woodland Gnomad)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Anna Chilvers, you can find the full interview HERE:

8. Colette Snowden (Gnome biscuit made by Jenny from Captain Jesus)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Colette Snowden, you can find the full interview HERE:

7. A. F. Harrold (Gnominally a Gnome Catches some Nom Noms)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with A. F. Harrold, you can find the full interview HERE:

6. Harry Whitewolf (Untitled)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Harry, you can find the full interview HERE:

5. Rebecca Gransden (Gnome strolling towards the gnome gallery)

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This piece was volunteered by world famous author Rebecca Gransden.

4. Guy Portman (Gnomes Posing Outside a Gazebo)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Guy, you can find the full interview HERE:

3. Robin Gregory (Gnome-de-Plume)

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This piece was draw as part of an interview with Robin, you can find the full interview HERE:

2. Jack CJ Stark (Limits; Or, I Should Have Listened to Mum and Married Karl Instead)

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Info on this masterpiece:  This is Jeff, he is angry the Local Authority has made Market Street one way, but Jeff’s wife, Susan, couldn’t care less and is done with his shit. She just wanted one night on the sofa without having to hear it! So she’s calling a hitman.  Check out Jack on TWITTER, I heard rumours he is changing career to become a hitman.

1. Madeleine Swann (Gnomes…Doing Things)

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There is a video on the YouTube that you can view to see just how this piece was made.  Check out Madeleine’s new book The Vine That Ate The Starlet.

Gnomes

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE A GNOME By Lindsey Martin-Bowen

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A Poem by Lindsey Martin-Bowen © 2019

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE A GNOME

It was like this: Joey the Baboon couldn’t find
his way home. At the street corner, he spotted
Oscar the Gnome, who traveled worldwide
posing for shots in Amelie’s film. So
Joey asked Oscar for an autograph
and a pathway back to the school yard
where Julio hung out. Besides, Joey planned
to stick Julio for a ride. See, Julio toured
with Paul and Art, but took off Tuesdays
to drive Joey to basketball practice. And
today, Joey promised Oscar he’d nab him
free tickets to the Central Park Concert
if he’d lead him back to school. Being no fool,
Oscar took him up on the deal, tossed the baboon
into his Oscar Wiener-mobile, and they flew
to the school yard in a quick afternoon.
There, Julio was about to fly but
stopped for Joey to give him a ride,
and they got potted before the concert.
Just the same, all were pleased and agree,
there’s no better place for a gnome.

Massive thanks to Lindsey for writing this poem as part of a Goodreads Friend request and for letting me post this on my blog.  Go check her out on Goodreads.

Gnomes

Tis the season

Well the weather is starting to warm up here in the UK and it seems the Gnome hibernation is over. I was out and about yesterday and they were everywhere.  Here is the first sighting of the year….

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It looks like the Gnome Scientists have been working on their disguises over the winter, Astro-turfed hats?  It is now no longer safe to walk past gardens with fake lawns anymore.  Pretty sure those two at the bottom are up to no good, the makings of a Molotov lantern and a corpse-barrow?

Time to get the Gnome guns out and give them the once over.

Gnomes

Gnome Hunting Part 2

I’m still working on the designs for the gnome detector, it’s going well so far, I’ve nearly eaten all the biscuits from the biscuit tin I’m planning to use.

So, to keep you hunters happy I thought I’d do a blog on where you can find Gnomes and their techniques for hiding.

Location

Gnomes can be found all over the world as this map shows:

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Gnomes can be found in the areas marked in green, everywhere else is safe…. well safe but teeming with monsters.

Favourite hiding spots

You can find gnomes hiding everywhere imaginable, including inside President Trump.  Here are some of the more common locations.

Behind a leaf

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In grass

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Underwater

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EVEN UNDER YOUR SKIN!!!!

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Hopefully you’ve got an idea of where to go hunting.

Remember we wanna see this:

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And NOT this:

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Good luck hunters.

Gnomes

Gnome Hunting Part 1

Gnomes!  The unknown pest in the UK.  These little guys are everywhere, they steal our fish and show their arses to our women thinking it is cute.  They don’t seem to care about the damage they cause.

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So just like Henry II who demanded the death of all hedgehogs for stealing milk from cows I’m demanding a nationwide cull on these monsters.

 

This series of blogs will help you with the mission.

 

HUNTING EQUIPMENT:

 

A Croquet Mallet. Ideal for smashing them, you can get a pretty good swing with this device.  I recommend practicing swinging it about for at least 3 hours on yer front lawn whilst listening to 80’s pop music.

 

A Net. This could be helpful for those ones that move really fast, make sure it is a strong net cos I’m sure I’ve seen Gnomes with axes before.

 

Gnome Detector.  I may do a blog on how to make your own gnome detector once I’ve worked out the mechaniks, sourcing enough plutonium and cardboard is proving difficult.  For now use the eye binocular technique.

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Packed Lunch.  Obvs for when you get hungry, you can also use it as bait to capture and slaughter hedgehogs and thus keeping the ghost of King Henry II happy.

 

A Goat. These guys are notoriously well known for hunting Gnomes….well I think they are, aren’t they?  Anyway as an added bonus you could train the goat to carry your stuff or even sacrifice it to the god of hedgehogs as an apology.

 

That should be enough for now, get your kit ready and I’ll sort out something about how to track them down.