Fake Interview: Cassius Wagner

I have for you today another interview with a fictional character, this time from the amazing book THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, Please welcome Cassius Wagner.

Hello Cassius, how you doing’? nice to have you here today.

Thanks, good to be here! I— I’m not really sure where here is, come to think of it. But Minerva books my interviews and my car drives me there, so I don’t have to worry about it too much; on a whirlwind publicity tour for a book like THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, I don’t have time to enjoy a luxury like remembering where I am!

Q1. What is it like being a character in a book?  What happens when somebody closes the book?  Do you get fed up repeating the same story?

Good question! I have no idea how to answer that. I mean, where do you go when consciousness leaves your body, right? A reader reading a book is just the same as consciousness inhabiting an ego, so when the reader or consciousness leaves, what are we left with? When a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? What is the sound of one hand clapping? What am I going to have for lunch today? Life’s great mysteries, friend. From my perspective, I’ve only ever lived my life once. I’m still living my life, after all, right now! After the events of the book, my co-authors and I went on to edit the text and publish it as the work known as THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, a contribution to a new genre we’re calling ‘psychedelic fiction’. So, that’s what I’m doing from my perspective, but from the perspective of thousands of readers in the universe where the book is a work of fiction, who knows? It might be that every time somebody reads the book, another alternate version of me is created somewhere—maybe a whole universe is created somewhere! It’s a pretty wild thought.

I do believe in an oscillating universe—that is, a universe that repeats itself on a grand scale—but I don’t think there’s any way for us to remember the repetitions in life. Pretty sure I’m 100% okay with that, too. But the way we read books, put them down, come back to them time and time again—it’s a poignant symbol of a repeating world.

Q2. If you had the ability to move into another book which story would you enter and what would you do to try and alter that story?

Woah! Crazy thought. Another book, huh…that’s a hard question to ask an author, especially one who’s only recently figured out his world is a literary one. Well— I’m too old to get thrust up in detective fiction these days, and probably shouldn’t do anything pre-penicillin, so that leaves sci-fi if I want something exciting. Maybe DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP; I’ve always wanted to be Harrison Ford in Blade Runner. I mean the really old one, kids, not the newer one from 2017. And as for trying to alter it, hell, I don’t know if I’d alter it so much as abuse my knowledge of the universe and its author to be an even cooler Deckard than the Deckard Dick decked. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Q3.  The book you come from features a possible future for story writing, Do you think that is the most likely outcome?

Oh, the future of literature is a really interesting subject to me. You know, Katherine—my editor, wife, and co-author of THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE—Katherine and I have been watching a lot of that old HBO West World, actually from around the same time as the Blade Runner remake came out, as I recall; and I’ve been thinking about this a lot, this idea of the blurring of fiction and reality. It seems to me like there’s a law of diminishing kicks in effect for fiction. Every year, people want their fiction to be more real. To touch them more, to be more invasive in their world. When Disney bought Star Wars, they almost immediately started making hotels Star Wars themed, with plots you can interact with…then there’s that Japanese hologram mascot, Hatsune Miku, who’s a fictional character but also a beloved pop star in the real world. And my world, I mean— as far as I’m concerned, it’s perfectly real, but to somebody else on another world, the only evidence they have of it might well be the text titled THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE.

I think the future of fiction is going to get into a really muddy, philosophical place. At what point does a fictional person become real enough, and their consciousness become individuated enough, that they could be considered ‘real’? Does it take a body to make a person real? I mean, from my perspective, I have a body, and I’m physical, and I see or physically experience otherwise, but the existence of THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, this book which wrote itself in my sleep courtesy of the thought to text device on my head, it seems to imply a higher order of reality where I’m really just a character in a book somewhere. If so, does the book I come from count as my body, static though it is? Or would I have to get a body of my own and have my consciousness uploaded into it in that universe in order to be considered as real there as I am here? And, if that happened, would I still be the same Cassius Wagner answering this question? What would happen to the me that was here, in this world? Would I appear to die here? I guess I really should try to get over into DO ANDROIDS DREAM, huh?

The future of writing specifically is interesting to me, because it’s the rawest form of creation that’s still more coherent than painting. Even if somebody doesn’t Receive a piece of fiction in their sleep while wearing the thought to text device called the Lightning Stenography Device, it still eliminates the need to do anything to be creative. We’re at a point where people just sit down and manifest fiction. That’s incredible. But when you’re manifesting something, are you really creating it? And if you’re not really creating it, then what, or who, is? I guess we’re not—or I’m not—at a point where that question can be answered definitively, but sooner or later, when machines have taken all menial labour and they begin to so streamline the process of creating art that even that, too, seems outsourced, human beings are really going to have nothing to do but to take an increasingly deep look at the mechanisms of how something is created out of nothing by the mind. And that will lead us, eventually, to the basis of reality, itself.

Q4. Share with me what you think is the creepiest video on YouTube….Or you could make your own.

Ahaha, the creepiest video on YouTube! That’s a tall order. Have you seen those Elsagate things, those creepy things the Russians or Cambridge Analytica or whoever make to traumatize kids? These videos, I won’t look them up to link you to them or I’ll get ads for similar stuff, but they’re, like, these really depraved videos featuring characters like Elsa from that Disney movie, Frozen, and Spider-Man and stuff. Katherine told me just the other day that they also have videos designed to teach children conspiracies, happy cartoon characters saying that the moon landing was faked, and all. I mean, what? I understand people have a lot of time on their hands these days, but come on…YouTube is getting to be a real cesspit. But for creepy that’s intentional, or some good, old-fashioned surrealism, there’s always the classic, Don’t Hug Me, I’m Scared.

Cesspit it may be, YouTube is a great place to go for low-budget horror. You ever watch Marble Hornets way, way back in the days of the ought’s? That was a good show before Slenderman blew up and everybody got bored.

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6,  from Upper Twatton. “My mum is trying to be a vegetarian, you ever tried that?  I hate it, because vegetables suck!

Hi, Abbers! No, I have not tried going vegetarian. Tell your Mom that by the 2030s she’ll be able to eat lab-grown meat on the cheap, so she’d might as well pick up a burger and stop feeling guilty. But, to be honest, she sounds like by that point in time she’ll be one of these Anti-Labbers, saying lab-grown meat causes violence in autistic videogames or whatever it is they’re clutching their pearls about.

Q6. Here’s a situational question type thing.  You have just finished writing a masterpiece, you print out a copy and then your computer dies, the manuscript you hold is the only one in existence.  You are hand delivering it to the editors, when the boat you are on hits an iceberg, let’s call the boat…..The Titanic III…. There is only enough room in your lifeboat for 3 people.  Yourself (with the manuscript), a child holding some flowers, a Nun holding the bones of Saint Bob, Clint Eastwood and the future inventor of a device that is better than sliced bread.  Which three people get to go on the lifeboat?

Difficult…very difficult. I probably shouldn’t be allowed onto the lifeboat if I made the decision to get on the Titanic III, but I’ll probably force myself on there, which leaves room for the kid, and…well, probably the inventor, especially since Clint Eastwood died in 2024 and is probably therefore a zombie in my timeline. So: sorry, Sister. Hope Saint Bob’s bones double as a shotgun and a life preserver.

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

I feel like my life’s mission, outside of promoting my own writing, is to make THE BOOK OF THE NEW SUN by Gene Wolfe into mainstream sci-fi. Get yourself a copy of that—and, of course, THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE—for your fake library and your real one, and you’ll be a happy and very enlightened reader.

Q8.  Who is your hero?

I have a hell of a lot of literary heroes, but maybe Walter Moseley. He writes books that remind me of the thrillers and detective stories I used to write, and he’s just so dedicated to the craft. I heard him speak once and his love for it was just phenomenal, you could really feel it. He’s not the most famous author, but he’s really churned out a lot of work, and he knows the secret to writing is to ignore absolutely everything going on around you, and write. He’s just a dude. He’s not all dysfunctional and dark like some writers feel they have to be; he’s also not this bastion of light and goodness the way mainstream, Oprah’s book club writers present themselves. He’s just a guy–a cool guy–who wears a cool hat and writes cool books. And brother, I dig that. 

Q9.  Being a writer means words are very important to you, is there a single word you love to use?

Lately, I’ve been really into the word ‘antimony’, and have been looking for a good place to put it. It just flows off the tongue.

Q10. President Trump has put on the Lightning Stenography device, after 15min of it writing his thoughts, you print out the results to read.  Could you give us a summary of what it says?

It could go one of two ways:

“Okay, Mister President, just put this on your head and let’s begin.”

TEXT OUTPUT: See that’s a very— that’s a good idea because you know my Father was a smart guy— good genes, real good genes, but he just didn’t love me enough, which is why I have to lie and try to keep my thoughts on track and fill the void inside the place that should have housed my soul with money and spankings from porn stars. Why did I agree to this? Why won’t this thing stop? Is it possible to sue a machine? Can I Google that question? Can I Google with this thing? Where does the word ‘Google’ come from, anyway? I mean I know it’s a number but it seems like it’s from some kind of fake language, faker even than Mexican. Can I own Google? Can I sue Google? Why is this headband so tight? Is it possible for Secret Service to shoot a machine?

That or nothing, since when you put a Lightning Stenography Device on the head of a dementia patient it usually just outputs blank text.

I would like to thank M. F. Sullivan for taking part in this amazing interview You can find her on TWITTER, WEBSITE and GOODREADS.

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Fake Interview: Spring-Heeled Jack

Hello folks, I have a very exciting interview for you today, Spring-Heeled Jack, half man, half legend, half demon, half moustache and a whole load of handsome daredevilness.  He is also possibly the founding member of the free-runners, you know those silly people with too much energy that jump about on buildings, and maybe the original Batman! 

Hello Jack, it is an honour to have you here. 

Q1.  Are you Batman?

How dare you! Since escaping from my self-imposed exile I have acquainted myself with the fascinating workings of your super web of information and this man of the bats seems to have an unaccountable stranglehold on modern times. He is nothing but a mountebank! I have returned from my early and enforced retirement to reclaim my rightful spot as Prince of City Prancing. You see, I was having a particularly enthusiastic bout of leaping—for this is my principal talent—when, after a rather reckless vault, I jumped my way right into an abandoned silo, somewhere up north. These years I’ve been amusing myself by hatching numerous escape plans, none of which turned out on the successful side. It is well known that I have the power of frosty fingers that will give anyone the willies, but what is less known is that my demonically red eyes can excite objects to burst into flame if I stare intensely. My understanding of this bat fellow runs deep, but whereas his experience with bats proved him to be lily-livered—or at least a touch dramatic—and traumatised the poor man into vigilantism, I on the other hand toasted the bats that resided in the silo one by one! Such beautiful, and melodious (in their dying screams), flying torches they made, the only light source in my prison. As their flame died, along with their lives, they fell to me to become a crusty bat snack. Eventually the silo wall rusted to such an extent all that was required of me was a strong push with my superior thighs and I kicked my way to freedom. Would your Batman have possessed such patience? I suspect not!

Q2.  You have a mighty fine moustache that all the ladies love, do you have any grooming tips for all those 14yr old boys out there just starting on their face’s lifetime obsession with growing hair? 

From observing the unkempt hirsuteness on display across this fair land it is evident your young fellows need the hard-earned advice of a seasoned moustache twirler such as myself. There is nothing more conducive to the pleasing styling of a man’s face fuzz than the bracing wind of open country. So, I would suggest that packs of youngsters descend on the wilderness to shape their furs in mass galavanting sessions. In your modern parlance, I’m bringing dastardly back.

Q3. Why did you start doing all this creepy stuff at night?  Did it all start as something innocent that grew out of control?

Well, I wish I could claim youthful high jinks as an excuse, but I’m a rotter through and through! I began testing my wickedness by leaping from bushes to rattle the nerves of young maids, who were especially susceptible to swooning fits at the time. What else could be expected of a being such as myself—what with piercing red eyes, deathly freezing digits, worrying breath of flame, and unnatural cloven strides? No, a conventional life would never have me, so I decided early on to make my mark in a diabolical fashion. Since my recent reintroduction to society I have become aware that my previous methods of garnering notoriety will not now serve me well, as the modern maid is rebelling against such surprise attacks with self-possession and derision, and what supernatural power can combat such a thing? 

Q4. Do you have a social media presence? (I couldn’t be arsed to look). 

I am everywhere and nowhere. Where the eerie wind howls at night—I am there! Where dark shadows creep around corners—that is me! I’m on Snapchat.

Q5. There would normally be a question from Abbygayle, aged 6, from Upper Twatton, but she is literally under her bed crapping herself, I am assuming it is because of your scary appearance….any soothing words to help us coax her out from under her bed? 

I’d sing to her, in the style of a lullaby, I’d Rather Jack by The Reynolds Girls. (VIDEO) 

Q6.  Could you give me a book recommendation?  Possibly your favourite book written about yourself?

The only book I’ve read outside of the silo is Jump Attack: The Ultimate Program on how to Jump Higher and be More Explosive by Tim S. Glover. No book about me is worth reading as no one (apart from myself, obviously) can possibly capture the grandness and spectacle of my existence!  

Q7. You have spent a lot of time out and about, you must have seen some crazy shit out there, what is the most memorable moment for you?

I once saw John Ruskin kiss a hedgehog when he thought no one was looking, if that’s the type of salacious incident you are suggesting. As for the many other sights I’ve seen, my public will have to wait in drooling anticipation for my autobiography, Spring-heeled Jack: Ultimate Bounder. 

Q8. Share with me the creepiest video you can find on YouTube. (You can make your own if you like)

This is your toughest question yet! Before my accidental incarceration I thought I understood, and if I do say so myself, was the master of true creepiness. The YouTube has opened my red eyes to layers of creepy I am ashamed to have never imagined! So many depraved delights to select from, a true embarrassment of riches. Such as the footage of the time that queer fellow in a Max Headroom mask interrupted an episode of Dr Who, and began babbling in an art happening fashion until it became apparent it was all for getting his rocks off, or, of course, the terrifying sight of the Argentinian gnome. But I have found my answer, and it may shock you in its superficial benevolence. Nothing is as creepy as the lips of Donkey Ollie. Some may say that a donkey spreading a Christian message via the medium of ropey computer animation is harmless enough. But they would be wrong! His STD homage of a mouth insidiously hypnotises as his plaintive voice destroys resistance with tribute nineties power ballads. No one is safe from such an onslaught!

Q9.  Picture this, you have just pulled this stunning bird outside the Hogshead and she agrees to go on a date with you the next day.  Talk us through what you’d plan for the big date. 

Needless to say, having time for ladies that aren’t automatically running away from me has not been a priority. However, I’ve been trying to rectify this, as female distraction can be amusing in small doses. I made a short film of my thoughts after a recent date to a river bank went a bit wrong. Rather inevitably, I came back alone.

Q10.  You are crawling around on the roof of the Whitehouse and President Trump opens a door and comes outside for a wee.  What do you do?  

Use my frosty mitts to freeze him, mid flow, so solid no warmth could ever thaw him. This new statue, a modern update of that peeing boy ornament people put pond side, will be a fitting reminder of his time in office. I could usurp the presidency myself, but no office will cage me. No, I will skip away into the night in search of mischief. See you there.

Holy Crap! I am so glad that interview is over, those red eyes man!  I’ll be unable to sleep for weeks.

I would like to thank Rebecca Gransden for playing the part of Spring-Heeled Jack and for going the extra mile and creating that very creepy video of Jack’s date. If you enjoyed this then you really got to check out her books, incredibly vivid writing, check out my review of Rusticles.  You can find her on TWITTER. Also check out her website.

Fake Interview: Stumpy Sue

I would like to welcome our first literary character to the Interview chair. Stumpy Sue is the awesome 11 year old hacker chick from the novel Fowl Play by Jay Spencer Green, You can see my review of this book HERE>.  

Hello Sue, how do you do?  (hehe), nice to have you here in this groundbreaking literary/reality crossover. 

Q1. My first question has to be about the sport Chicker.  You are the mascot right?  Have you got to wear a costume?  Also any chance you could explain how the sport works?  Maybe give me the run down on the rules?

This is my costume. On non-game days, I’m a 17-stone pie-eating nightclub bouncer with steroid problems and a fondness for the works of Jean Genet. Need to keep the public at arm’s length, know what I mean? As to the rules of Chicker, FIIK. Go ask someone who gives a turd. 

Q2. What is it like being a character in a book?  What’s it like when somebody closes a book?  Do you get fed up repeating the same story?

Dark, lonely, and tedious. The same faces, the same routines, the same wanky jokes. Pretty much like your life on the outside, tbh. Everything tastes of paper.

Q3.  How did you get into computers?  What’s your favourite processor?

Lack of parental supervision (they kicked the bucket a while back) and a guardian who thought CoderDojo would be a good way of keeping me out of trouble. My favourite processor is the Sage Kitchen Whizz Pro, although it’s 300 fucking quid from John Lewis in the Trafford Centre. Larceny! 

Q4. What is it like living with Jo?  You seem to put on a front of not caring but I reckon you consider him almost ok-ish.

He appears to think I don’t know about all the groupies he bangs in the hot tub out the back, but there’s only so much spunk a water filter can handle. The parky winter has cramped his style a bit this year and he’s had to bring them indoors where he has no excuse for the dimensions of his trouser monkey. He feeds me, and I make sure he washes his hands first. I don’t expect much else. 

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6,  from Upper Twatton. “S-up Bitch?”

You’re winding me up. No fucking six-year-old talks like that. 

Q6. Here’s a situational question type thing.  You are on the bus travelling to Boots for something to help with Jo’s latest hangover, some woman stands up and says “there is a bomb on the bus, if we go below 50kph it will explode”.  You happen to be sat next to Keanu Reeves, How do you handle the situation?

Well I reckon I can do 50 kph with my blades on, so the first thing I’d do is hop off the fucking bus and run alongside it while offering invaluable advice to the remaining passengers, or “victims” as I like to think of them. I’d probably recommend using Reeves’s bloated and otherwise useless body to smother the blast. 

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

I particularly enjoyed All the World’s a Stage, Coach! by Astrid Measles, in which high school jocks justify their enthusiastic participation in Oklahoma! without recourse to homophobic tropes or misogyny. Oh, hang on. I’m thinking of American Pie.  

Also, never buy a book that smells of fish. 

Q8.  Who is your hero?

The Cottingley Fairy girls and them kids in Fatima who invented the Three Secrets. Grown-ups are such schmucks.     

Q9.  One more question about books….Would you like to Jay to write your own story?  Some epic adventure through time maybe?

Sooner write my own story, thanks, than depend on some malevolent illiterate with a murky agenda. You know how books sometimes have unreliable narrators? Think how we feel about unreliable authors.   

Q10. President Trump has come to watch the Trafford Titans play, the Zamboni is sat next to you. What would you do?

At first, I’d vomit copiously, just like everyone else there. Then I’d have to clean it up, so the Zamboni would come in handy. The rest of the scenario is highly implausible, if you ask me. Helmets aren’t allowed in the stadium.

Big thanks to Mr Green for taking part in this madness….I mean Interview, I thought things were very close to kicking off between Sue and Abby, luckily I managed to calm Abby down with some pictures of unicorns.  Be sure to go and check out his books, info can be found HERE> 

Fake Interview: William Shakespeare

Hello everybody, it is with great pleasure that I present today’s interview with a very special guest. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE! Now if you would give me 5min whilst I ‘ave at him with a cricket bat’ …………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………… Blimey he is one tough bastard but I got him good.  That beating was for every school kid for the last 1500 years for making them learn your silly plays, with all its extra e’s and made up words. Right!  Questions. 

Hello Will, mind if I call you Bill? I hope your journey through time and space was ok and that your host is a comfortable one.

My dearest Rockster, think you kicked me, did you? Are you sure? Did you really?

Away you three-inch fool! Do you have any idea who I am? Where I´m from? No! Because no-one does! No-one can pin me down, despite being the most famous name on the planet – no-one knows anything about me! Yet you all know me! I sell tea towels and tickets by the trillions! I prop up the English economy, help actors pay rent the world over! You all quote what I´ve written, sing my songs, use my made up words, but you can´t be a hundred percent sure if I even exist!

That last kick in the yard did fair smart though, you plague sore, you. I´ll give you that. 

Q1. 2Bnot2B.  What does it really mean?  When I was a school kid I told my teacher you was trying to find a flat that yer best mate lived in so you could have a few ales with him. She said that was wrong.  Who was right?

Oh, Rocky, you must know that our doubts are traitors – but you, sir, were so wrong thinking it was about ales and flats that you were went past right and carried on back into wrong again. I hope your teacher beat you black and blue. And then set fire to you and stood warming her hands as you cried for mercy – for then, and only then, might you have realised the meaning in my once-heard, never forgotten words. I´m beginning to think you´re unfit for anyplace but hell. 

Q2. Love Mary Kill time.  Your choices are Juliet, Lady Macbeth or Tony Soprano.

The three, the three, all at once, back to front, up and down, in and out – yes, love, marry and kill the three. Party on, Garth. 

Q3. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton. If you were going to get a tattoo on your lower back what phrase would you pick to be translated into Chinese?

One of two: “I´m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer” or “As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti, I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become”.

Either of those, Abbeygayle. 

Q4. Have you travelled to any cool places?

Birmingham. Freezing. To be avoided, then as now. 

Q5. Who was the biggest bellend from when you were alive? What sort of things did they do?

Dr Simon Forman, a fan of mine, without doubt, Rocky. He was well known to me – a friend of my landlady, a spectator at many of my shows – but he was also what these days you might call a Weinsteinish sexual predator. He worked mainly as a quack in London back then, prescribing remedies based on the planets and various alchemical and occult remedies – a kind of Paltrow of his day. Paltrow mixed with Weinstein, wrapped up in a dirty bath-towel, then. Forman even predicted his own death by drowning in the Thames. I´ll leave it to your imagination to guess what I did when we heard the news…tottering on the edge of London Bridge, britches ´round the old ankles. 

Q6. Book recommendation.  What book do you think everybody should read?

Ovid, Metamorphoses. Or In the Time of Nick by Nick Owen. Punnery of the highest order, almost Ringo Starr-esque.

Q7. Ever been in trouble with the fuzz?

Many a time, Rocky! But, you know what? Who is a man that is not angry sometimes? Naughty sometimes? Pilfers sometimes? Yeah, have I poached. Nicked. Borrowed. You really think I made all that stuff up? It´s what we do with what we nick that´s important – and you can quote me on that. The first thing we should do, if we ever get the chance, is kill all the lawyers. Word. 

Q8. Either tell me a joke or do something funny on YouTube. (by the way this isn’t a question I know and don’t need to be told….if it helps I’ll put a question mark here —à?)

One I enjoyed on Ye Olde Twitter:

Q9. Can you create a brand new cocktail for me?  I’ll need the name, what’s in it and how do you create it.

Cocktails are for the sick, Rocky! Sick in body and sick in mind! Caudles and possets were the cocktails of my day and only the sick and idiotic drank them then – as now! Ale is what you need. My dear father was the official ale-taster in Stratford and we all had micro-breweries in our house – don´t come to me with your talk of cocktails! Buy a nice bottle of White Lightning and mix it with two Barley Wines and tip in a Tenants Extra. Sup three pints of that goo for breakfast and seven pints with lunch and then come back to me and see if you want to keep talking cocktails! 

Q10. Picture this scene.  You are on stage at the Globe theatre, you are acting as King Duncan (from Macbeth) the play is called a Midsummer Nights Dream, you are a bit drunk.  You look down at the audience and there in the front row is Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un holding hands.  What do you do?

I would shout at them, “Do you see? Do you see? Do you see how we didn´t and never spoke like plummy upper-class idiots? We speak like farmers! Like nowadays Devon farmers! Isn´t that ironic? That everyone creams themselves over posh-voiced, perfectly intoned, clipped-voice “Shakespearean” speeches, when the way they talk has absolutely nothing to do with the way I ever talked, my actors talked or the way I wanted my speeches to sound!”

I would hope that might convince one of the posing fools to go on and press the button! They´d finally have a decent reason, anyway.

I’d like to thank today’s host James Hartley, author of The Shakespeare’s Hand Series. You can catch him on Twitter.

Fake Interview: John Spadula

Hello everybody, today’s interview is with the great naturalist John Spaduala, the supposed inventor of the spatula. He is also rumoured to have saved the life of 4 people, two by releasing them from his sex dungeon, one was a surfer plucked from the jaws of a rabid shark and the 4^th person’s life was saved when John stopped her from watching “I’m a celebrity…” 

Hello John, how are you doing?  What name do you like to go by?

Aye. Some folks call me Johnny. I’ve been trying to get my rap career going so I’ve rebranded myself as Lil Spaddy. Check out my Soundcloud. (Link not provided, use google)

Q1. Let’s get right down to business, Spatulas!  Did you know that Ken Hom gives away a free spatula with each wok that gets sold?  How does that make you feel?  You must be tens of pounds out of pocket over that.

It hurts on the inside but I don’t fault Ken personally. I’ve been screwed out of spatula money ever since I invented the thing. Everyone wants a piece of the pie, and they cut me right out.

Being the inventor of the interview I know exactly how you feel.

Q2. You are organising a party, you only have enough cash to hire one machine, smoke machine/popcorn machine or snow machine.  Which one do you pick and why?

I’d get the popcorn machine ’cause my dudes would come through with the smoke and the snow, you feel me?

Q3. I know it’s only a matter of time before you become married to Scarlet Johannson, what name are you going to give to your first born?

We’re hoping for a girl who we can name Farrah, after Farrah Abraham from MTV’s Teen Mom. Scarlet and I consider her a personal hero. If the baby is a boy, we’ll probably name him Randy Newman.

Q4. Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton has a question for you. “WTF is the difference between a Spatula and a fish slice?

The fish slice is a bastardization of my original tool, and you’re a bastard if you use one. Seriously. Go straight to hell, for all I care.

Q5. What toppings do you have on pancakes?

Butter, maple syrup, and Xanax.

Q6. Done anything rad when you were younger?  Who was your best friend growing up?

I had this friend Chris who I used to kick it with all the time. One time me and Chris and a bunch of friends had this really kickass party at the beach. We had lots of beer and started a bonfire. It was a themed party, so we had matching towels and stuff like that. Anyway, at some point I noticed Chris was missing. I thought maybe he went into the bushes to take a leak or something, so I didn’t worry too much about it. About an hour or so later, it’s hard to say exactly ’cause I was pretty lit, I realized he still wasn’t back and I started to get really freaked out. We started looking all over the place for him. I walked up and down the beach calling for him, but he didn’t answer. A couple people went into the woods nearby and they were looking for him. By this point it had gotten dark, and the only source of light was their phones because nobody had thought we’d need a flashlight out there. Keep in mind, this was back in the flip-phone days, so there wasn’t much light. Nobody could find Chris. It was scary as hell. A couple people climbed up a hill to see if he’d fallen off the other side or something. My friend Dave went through all the cars, trying to see if he’d passed out in one. Somebody looked under a dock. There they saw a rock. It wasn’t a rock. It was a rock lobster.

That is a really interesting story, Hopefully one day somebody might sit down and write a song about that.

Q7. Book recommendation time.  Please could you tell me your favourite book for me to add to the fake library?

I’ve always been a fan of Revenge of the Tiger, by Claude Balsac.

Q8. Picture this….The cops have pulled you over, you have something illegal in the car….let’s say it is a pregnant panda stolen from a zoo…each cop is armed with a gun, one of them has an ankle holster too, but you don’t know which one. Explain in detail how you get out of this one.

I’d tell them the panda was my wife, and that she was in labor, and ask them if they could escort us to the hospital.

I hope Scarlet doesn’t find out about this.

Q9. What is your favourite joke?

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? Well, the chickpea has been a staple of human diets dating back as far as 3500 BC, but folks have been eating lentils since 11,000 BC. Chickpeas are very slightly higher in calories, and have three times as much fat as lentils, plus a lot more sodium. Lentils actually have more protein, with about 18 grams per cup versus the 12 you’ll get by eating a cup of chickpeas. Dried chickpeas take a good couple hours to cook, while lentils are ready in a fraction of the time. Also, nobody ever paid fifty bucks to have a lentil on their face.

HAHAHA  I get it.

Q10. You have met President Trump at a nudist colony, how do you handle that situation?

He’d probably have Secret Service escort me off the premises, because he’d be intimidated by my enormous penis.

I would like to thank George Billions for being the victim for this interview, He is the creation of John Spaduala, so without the hard work of George we wouldn’t have spatulas.  You can thank him on Goodreads  and I recommend checking out his Web Site  It has some great info on the origins of John Spaduala.  Finally check out his books too, I recommend Fidget Spinners Destroyed My Family.

Fake Interview: Elizabeth Bathroy

I am super duper pleased to introduce today’s interviewee, she is the original queen of the damned, known as “The Bloody Countess” and one of the main reason us men saw so many boobies in vampire/horror movies when we were kids. As usual I am using fake Wikipedia to research her and I think she was the inventor of the bath….So thanks for causing the current water shortage on Earth!

Soooo how you doing’? 😉 Is there anything in particular you like to be called?

Artistically I’m known as ‘Lil’ 2 Bloody,’ but my slaves call me, ‘Your Highness.’

Like, OMG, seriously though. These peasants are totally starting to piss me off. I’m currently on castle arrest for allegedly “torturing” my slaves to death and stuff. But whatever, my daddy’s king friend is going to get me off all the charges. I mean, slaves are property and I can do whatever I want with my property, right? #freelil2bloody

Q1. So…..did it work? Did all that virgin blood make you look young? Did it really happen or was it advertising gone mental for Olay?

Like, duh! I don’t even have to use any filters on Instagram anymore my skin is so perfect. All the Hungarian nobles started copying me after I started the #BathoryYourselfInBlood trend on Twatter.

Q2. Who was your best friend as a lass? Did you get up to any crazy shit?

Who needs friends when you’ve got slaves? Everything I do is mandated and approved by God, okay? Because I’m rich, bitch.

Q3. Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton has a question for you. “You’re soooo pretty, do you have any tips on how I can grow up to be just as pretty? Also boys are soooooo yucky!”

Thanks peas-, I mean Abbygayle. Why don’t you stop by my castle – alone – and I can show you how I make myself so pretty…

Q4. Seeing as you were born in the 1500’s, have you ever had a potato?

Ew, I haven’t had a carb since, like, 1580. I’m on a strictly organic, gluten-free, haemoglobin diet.

Q5. Another question about blood, I’m thinking of organising a massacre in a brewery whilst wearing white clothes….what’s the best thing for getting blood out?

Great question! The best thing for getting blood stains out is a slave to wash your clothing.

Q6. How about a book recommendation for the Fake Library? Got any favourites the up and coming psychopath could read?

Well, since I’ve been on castle arrest I’ve been putting all of my recent struggles onto paper. Like, how I came up from being a young noble wife at 13 to a successful entrepreneur at the head of a controversial beauty product empire. It’s going to be a memoir recounting all the sacrifices I’ve made along the way and tips on how to start your own beauty line. Things like, how to recruit new slaves from local villages after you’ve killed half them off and the rest live in fear; how to bribe fellow nobles and religious leaders to ignore your sadistic perversions; and the quickest methods for smothering the death screams of a blood donor. It will be called, ‘Suck It Peasants.’

Q7. Born in Hungary eh? Do you ever get bored with being asked if you are hungry?

*eyeroll*

*hairflip*

*checks iPhone*

Q8. Are you hungry? I got some homemade rocky road muffins here.

Just, no…

Q9. What is your favourite swear word?

‘Peasant.’ Or ‘Poor.’

Q10. If you were to meet Trump back when you were in your prime, what would you say/do to him?

OMG. I would, like totally, subject him to a scaphism. But first, shout out to the ancient Persians for coming up with this sick shit! Ok, so, scaphism. Here goes: Trumpy would first be stripped naked (eww!) and fastened securely between two hollowed out logs with his legs and arms sticking out. Then he would be covered in and force-fed honey and milk and left out in the sun. Being attracted to the milk and honey, insects would swarm his egg salad stuffed in panty-hose body, and lay eggs underneath his skin, resulting in larvae slowly eating him alive from the inside out. Each day he would be fed more and more milk and honey to prevent, like, a premature death from starvation or dehydration. Oh yeah – he’d be shitting himself too, marinating in his own excrement, just like a real Trump steak! This would go on and on until Trumpy’s gangrenous viscera and putrefied micropenis are no longer able to support the life cycle of septic vermin.

Are we done yet? Cuz, like, I told all my followers I was doing this interview today and now my Twatter feed is blowing up.

#MakeScaphismGreatAgain

Big thanks to Lady Catfood for being my first female victim on this here enterprise and thank you very much for coming out about your ABDL preferences (Google that everybody). If you wanna find out more about the mad Cat Lady then check out her blog HERE> 

 

Fake Interviews: The Library

Each of the souls I interview will be giving a book recommendation, this blog post will be used as a storage location…some kind of library if you like.  If you’ve read any of the books you are more than welcome to comment or even post links to your reviews.

Satan

Prezident Scumbag! by Rupert Dreyfus

My Review is here>

Queen Elizabeth 

Sir John Harington’s translation of Orlando Furioso

Edgar Allan Poe

 Confessions of an English Opium-Eater by Thomas De Quincey

Elizabeth Bathroy

‘Suck It Peasants.’ by Elizabeth Bathory (Coming soon)

John Spadula

Revenge of the Tiger, by Claude Balsac (No cover or Links available…)

William Shakespeare

  In the Time of Nick by Nick Owen

Stumpy Sue

All the World’s a Stage, Coach! by Astrid Measles (Again no cover or links available for this one, probably only available on the dark web or summit)

Spring-Heeled Jack

 Jump Attack: The Ultimate Program on how to Jump Higher and be More Explosive by Tim S. Glover

Cassius Wagner

The Book of the New Sun By Gene Wolfe

 

 

Stay tuned for additional books.