Fake Interview: J’ephh Smhi’th

Hello folks, today I am interviewing local business man/Demon J’ephh Smhi’th, thirty-seventh acolyte of D’ouggh, Son of J’hon.  You’ve probably met him at some point, ever felt pissed off for some strange reason?  I expect J’ephh was behind that.  

Q1. Hello Sir, how are you doing?  I was wondering, could you tell us a bit about yourself?  Your job sounds interesting from what I’ve heard.

Eh, hi, I’m J’ephh Smhi’th. Back in the day, they called me Jeff Smith, but when I came into my new position, regs say we need apostrophes and crap. To fit in. I died comin’ up a hundred and fifty … three? Years ago. My sins weren’t so horrible, technicalities really, The dogmatic stuff’s the worst.

So, instead of pits of fire and junk, I’m stuck with servitude, but at least it’s one where I work on the surface. I get to run around lookin’ a lot like I used to when I was alive, get some sun, chat to people, all that good stuff. I just have to fill quotas on CMTs (Common mortal torments). Know how karma can be a bitch? Well, call me bitch. If someone’s been really low-key sinning… mid-grade asshollery, that kind of thing, I get tagged to go cause them a hassle.

Q2. For the job roll you got assigned was there an interview process? (Just planning ahead as I expect I’ll be heading that way one day.)

I don’t know how I was assigned this specifically. I don’t know if I’ll ever get reassigned, it’s not a very communicative management structure. For all I know, the difference between being made a slave instead of being turned into an eternal rectal tiki-torch comes down to a time in life when you decided not to kick a puppy.

I can imagine there’s some scorecard or grading system, but again… I’m not in management, so I have no idea. I can only say- play it safe, karma, as I mentioned, is a bitch. And I think she peeks at Saint Peter’s books.

Q3.  So, have you ever met the big man Satan himself?

He doesn’t really use the name ‘Satan’ too much these days. He lost his taste for it when people started calling America ‘the Great Satan’. Not that he has anything against America specifically, but it waters down the brand, you know? He sticks to Lucifer. I thought it would kind of bring up bittersweet memories of his early days, but what do I know? I’m basing all this on speculation.

No, I never met him. It’s like asking a repair rep on a Microsoft help-line if they ever met Bill Gates. It’s not a small community down there. You think Earth has a lot of people? Think of how many people have DIED. Last I heard, the count mas over 113 BILLION. With a B. Even a modest chunk of that is… well, it’s a lot more than the man at the bottom has time to have tea with.

Q4: Tell me more about your work, what exactly is it you have to do? I know you gotta cause some hassle, can you give a recent example of a job you’ve completed? 

Well, I get a… call it a vision… but it’s more like a post-it note shows up in my head. Today started with a lady who left a fake note on a parked car she scraped up with her own car. You know, one of those “A lot of people are watching, so I’m writing this note to make it look like I’m giving you my number” things.

Next time she parked her car, I was there to place a nail where it would drive into her tire when she moved again. Easy peasy.

After that, I had to go to a cafe and order something after taking forever to decide… he got sick of standing there waiting and told me to call him back when I decided, which I did, then changed my mind. Quite a few times. I finally ordered something, then when I got it, I yelled at him for ten minutes for getting the wrong one. He got the right one, but I insisted I had actually decided on one we hadn’t even talked about.

Did I mention I went in as a bike courier, and managed to knock crap off counters with my bike ‘by accident’, twice when going from the door to the counter, and once more on my way out?

The trick, at least for me, is trying to minimize agitation to innocent bystanders. Like the cafe thing, I waited until there weren’t many people in there, and when another customer came in behind me, I started to wrap it up. Might not be how the job was intended- I sometimes wonder if agitation of innocents is part of the job. I know his customer service will be suffering for the rest of the day, and I feel bad for the other customers.

But that might be all part of Lucy’s plans. Which then I’m a part of it, because of COURSE I am, and THAT makes me feel bad sometimes, but that’s part of my own torment, I guess.

Then I had a less complicated one, where I just yawned overly-dramatically while walking down the sidewalk and elbowed some shmuck in the head. And then blame him, of course. 

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 7, from Upper Twatton.  “Can the public hire you? Tattianna cut the hair of both of my Barbies and I wanna get revenge on her, would you cut her hair whilst she sleeps? How much will it cost?

Fraid independent contracts are a big no-no. My contract is pretty binding, blood signature and all that. You CAN offer your soul to the big guy, if you know how to get his attention, but he tends to do that ‘works in mysterious ways’ shtick. Lucifer answers every prayer, but sometimes the answer is no, blah blah. Honestly, it’s not very efficient for quick revenge. Lucy helps those who help themselves… And doing ‘things’ yourself is a great way to get on his radar. This is one way to work up credit for bigger things down the road, but… there’s that whole soul thing.

Look, I’m a company man because I have no choice, but I’m not a Company Man. At 7 years old, don’t get tied up in contracts. You see kids getting cell plans that young, and it’s already a bad situation. Lucy doesn’t do 2-year contracts.

Shop around. Maybe a grade 5 bully can hook you up for like… a bag of crisps. That would be a kid on my career path. So, like… hire that kid, then do me a favour and follow it up with a prayer for the bully to the other team. Kinda a bait and switch as far as the Lucy/Jeho thing goes, but frankly, I think they’re into that. It’s certainly been going on long enough. 

Q6. Do you have any hobbies you do in your free time?

Well, weekends are my main free time, but I also have to spend ‘em down below. Topside, I’m on call all the time. Like I could get pegged to do a job at any moment right now, so it’s hard to plan anything fun. I bike, strike up conversations with anyone, really. Enjoy nature… that’s all I can really trust on having time for.

Down in the bad place, options are pretty slim, too. I get to let out my tail and relax a bit. Sometimes I go to a pit of really, really bad folks, and throw things at ’em. Sounds cruel, but these are the types that no one would feel bad about jamming a fork into their eye socket. Hardcore Nazis, serial rapists, private defence lawyers, people who post “FIRST” in comment sections.

OH! And the food SUCKS down there. Always. You expect spicy, right? SURE, only if you hate it. I love spice, and to me everything down there is like gargling a mix of banana slugs and glass. I have some friends down there who are pretty much in the same boat as me, we tried to unionize once, but of COURSE down there the mob got involved INSTANTLY.

So yeah. My best free time is up here, in the little moments between jobs. 

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

I ran into this one a bit ago. Rubberman’s Citizens. Check it out, they live down below, but like… underground on Earth, not Hell. And they’re all ignorant as h… heck. But not evil ignorant jerks… well, not all of them, but they know a ton of nothing about the lands above. They’ve been under there for generations, and there’s a few thousand of them. This place is pretty big and divided into sections of groups who are ignorant in different ways. The Citizenry section is kinda known to be rough, and the Citizens are run by … okay, it’s a bad scene. Ever heard how war is worse than Hell, because at least in Hell, they deserve it? Well, a lot of people in Citizenry don’t deserve things like public exhibition rapes, and generally getting beat on. I was expecting it to be bleak all the way through with the hero Leena just surviving, but people who deserved things got some THINGS. By the end, it was kinda heart-warming. Compassion flowing from a history of hate and abuse. And some nice, healthy revenge. Revenge bad, wrath belongeth to God or whatever, but he helps those who help themselves. Frig, I dunno, pick your dogma, something will fit.

Or you could just go for Dante’s Inferno. Always good for a laugh.

Q8.  If your life was to be made into a movie, who do you see as playing yourself?

Ooh, me in a movie? My mind goes to Brad Pitt right away, and I’m thinking of Se7en. Except I’m not as stubbley. Edward Norton comes to mind, but… I think I’m a little cuter than him. Am I on his level of wiry? Maybe. Eh, put me between Pitt and Norton. That sounds dirty. Why not? They’re cute by Earth standards. 

Q9.  Question about when you were alive…. Who was the love of your life?

Oh, I suppose I’d have to say it was Lizeldia. By no fault but my own, I hurt m’lady as I turned to wine and opioids more and more until they took my life. And there’s my greatest sin, my weakness as I let it hurt her. I’ll spare you all the details. I’d hoped that if I made such admissions, I’d be forgiven, but ****ING CONTRACTS!!! 

Q10.  Have you ever had to deal with President Trump?  What would you do to him?

Oh my, wouldn’t that be nice? There’s many bigger boys than I who’ve put in bids on him. Most us are just hoping for a chance to watch when the time comes and he comes on down. He’s been set off limits to any visits such as my work while alive mainly because everyone’s interested in how badly he can do it to himself. My issue with that is that his methods don’t just hurt himself. But, I’m just a peon grunt, and Lucy works in mysterious ways. But…fantasy time? What would *I* do to him? How many of the Saw movies have you seen? 

Brilliant!  I enjoyed that interview and I hope it puts me in good stead with the folks downstairs for honestly portraying the good work they do up here.  I’d like to thank Joseph Picard for taking part in this, check out his WEBSITE also catch him on GOODREADS, FACEBOOK and TWITTER. Be sure to have a look at his books as they are good fun, a few of them are now also available on Audible.

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Fake Interview: Mr Boner

Hello everybody, I have a great interview for you today, probably the happiest guy with the greatest job on the planet, he works at Horror Sleaze Trash, mainly spending his time helping Arthur Graham and India LaPlace handle all their HST Girls. Please welcome Mr Boner.

 

Q1. Hello Mr Boner, how are you doing?  Could you tell us a bit about yourself? Any previous careers?

Hi, thanks for having me. I suppose you could say I’m just your normal, average, everyday run-of-the-mill skeleton. Usually I go about completely nude, save for my special HST cap, which I’m often pictured in (tips cap and grins skeletally). The cap is what distinguishes me from all the other skeletons out there walking around, you see.

Anyway, back when I was still alive, I always loved booze, poetry, and naked women, so one day naturally I found myself working for Arthur and India here at Horror Sleaze Trash. Besides that, I’ve worked as both a lineman for the teleBONE company and a sous chef at BONE Appétit, the famous French restaurant. I used to play tromBONE in the Two-Tone Boss BONES, a ska band you might recall from back in the day, and way before that, I was even once a mail carrier for the BONY Express!

Nowadays, though, I’m just a lowly intern here at Horror Sleaze Trash. But, even though technically it’s an unpaid position, it’s not as if the gig doesn’t come without its own fringe benefits. Most of the models here are very friendly, you know, and some of them are even down to tickle the ol’ “funny bone” on occasion, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain!

 Q2. You really seem to be a super happy guy, what’s the best part about being at HST?  (Check out the photo of Mr Boner busy “working”.)

I know what you’re expecting me to say. The sex. The drugs. The mountains of gold and jewels that Arthur and India are constantly showering all over me in exchange for my loyal service. But, to be honest, the best part about being at HST is that it’s loads more fun and exciting than just hanging around a doctor’s office, or working at a haunted house, or whatever else skeletons are allowed to do for employment these days. In fact, whenever I find myself scrolling through the social media posts of my other skeleton friends, I just can’t help feeling so grateful to be living such a less conventional life, even if said life includes many menial tasks, such as fetching Arthur’s not-infrequent whiskeys, that and also sometimes bearing the brunt of his equally frequent bursts of artistic rage. India, on the other hand, is always quite sweet and nice to me. She even lets me sleep in her bed sometimes!

Q3.  What is the most outrageous thing you have done so far?

As you may recall, this spring marked the 30^th anniversary of Beetlejuice, the classic Tim Burton film, and while watching it on the big screen at our local cinema, it occurred to us that many of the titular character’s VERY pervy antics just would not fly at all in today’s social climate. So, naturally, we had to imitate some of them in a recent HST shoot.

Basically, what we did was remove my left arm, and then I used said arm in much the same manner Michael Keaton uses a stick to lift Geena Davis’ skirt, in that one scene where they first meet. Can you say PERV ALERT??

Again, under any other circumstances this would NOT be considered appropriate behaviour AT ALL, but, I guess I get a pass because I’m just a cute, harmless widdle skeleton, and please let us bear in mind this was India’s skirt we’re talking about here, so you KNOW she was like way more even into it than I was.

Q4.  Got any gossip about Arthur Graham?  Is he really as hairy as he makes out he is?

The thing about Arthur is, he’s a lot different in person than he comes across in his public persona. He’s actually a very sweet and tender guy deep down inside. He’s not always so macho and coarse. He loves his mother and cleans his toilet bowl now and then. But, the truth is, he’s actually even HAIRIER in person! He can’t keep any dogs, cats, or any other type of furry animal around because he doesn’t own a vacuum cleaner, he wears a lot of black, and he sheds enough for one animal already as it is.

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 7,  from Upper Twatton. “Are you able to eat and drink?  Whatever your answer to that, how shit is cauliflower in your opinion?

This is a very good question, and it brings to mind another I’ve often asked myself, which is “why are skeletons in films so often capable of speech?” They don’t even have lungs, let along lips or vocal cords, so how in the hell are they able to form vocalizations of any kind? As to whether skeletons can eat or drink, I suppose you could just dump whatever you want down my bony neck, but it might as well be shit cauliflower for all the good my non-existent tongue, throat, and stomach are gonna do for me in that situation.

Q6. If you were to join a dating site who would be the perfect partner for you and how would you advertise yourself?

Because I am so thin, I would probably go for the biggest, most bootiest ho I could find. I really do believe that opposites attract. I would tell her, “Hey baby, don’t worry – I know I’m skinny, but I’m FAT where it counts ;-)”

Q7. Seeing as you work at a publishing company could you give the readers an up and coming future release that you’re excited about?

Well, we’ve got the Fall 2018 issue of our poetry rag, HST Quarterly, which is due out in September. Then there’s the second volume of HST: Prose in Poor Taste, which will hopefully be finished before the end of this year. You can expect at least a few more model/artist features between now and then, not to mention all the poems, stories, and what have you we intend to continue posting. We’re also hoping to finally launch our new website, which will replace the old (currently broken) horrorsleazetrash.com.

That’s admittedly quite a lot to do before 2019 hits, but in the meantime, devoted fans can keep up with us and our boneheaded antics via the following social media:

FaceBook

Tumblr

Instagram

Twitter

Q8.  I’m gonna possibly cause you some trouble here, see the song below, is that about you? Are you really a superhero?

I think it makes a very good point that, even though it’s quite common for us to go about trying to distinguish skeletons from humans, all humans have skeletons inside of them, and all skeletons once had a whole bunch of other human shit hanging off of them as well. It’s a message of unity, one well worth hearing in these divided times.

Perhaps the real tragedy is that, Republican or Democrat, Labour or Tory, most folks will never be willing to admit how much more they have in common until they’ve all become skeletons like me.

Q9.  Ever had any close encounters with dogs?

No, but if I never hear another joke about “boning” or “I’d like to jump your bones”, or if ever again I’m asked if I can “still get a boner”, I assure you it will be far too soon!

Just, please, no more Napoleon BONEaparte references…

Q10.  It’s the Trump question that I always leave to the end.  What would you do if you ever met him?

I think I’d start by giving the old chap a good RIBBING about some of his recent Tweets, ho ho!

I’d like to thank Mr Boner and Arthur Graham for taking part in this madness…I mean sensible interview, it’s been fun (especially all the photos I got sent).  Here are a couple of photos from Mr Boner’s latest photo shoot with Lady Luxx.

Fake Interview: Santa

Seeing as we are in the middle of a crazy heatwave, I thought I’d try and cool things down a bit by travelling up north to Lapland and interview the big man himself, that fatty who dresses in red, likes to go down chimneys and enslave reindeers and Elves, that’s right kids IT’S SANTAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! 

 

Q1. Hello Sir, how are you doing?  I have something I gotta get off my chest, between the ages 8-14 I asked for a bike and never got one, instead I got socks!  For 7 bloody years I got socks, what the hell man!  Why so much hate? 

Another blizzard…darkness descends on the North Pole again. Hunger pangs strike Santa’s sides like punches from the Abominable Snow Monster. Then I get this crummy letter from this kid complaining about socks. My pistol sits snugly in my holster. “Santa’s Little Helper” I call it.

Wait, kid! Wait until this blizzard blows over and then I’ll give you your answer. Six coal bullets sit snug in their chamber…six potential answers to your question about socks.

Are you feeling naughty or nice? Well…which is it, punk?

Q2. Do you think Christmas has become too commercialised? Is there too much pressure on folks to spend spend spend at Christmas? 

The blizzard intensifies. 4 reindeer down…more starving to death. Soon, I’ll have to eat the dead. Then the others. I read this silly letter from some spoiled brat who needs the lesson of my coal bullets…commercialised? commercialised?

It was twenty winters ago that Enron tried to acquire “Santa”. Santa’s no one’s stooge. That’s when Santa had gone rogue! Taken his operations deeps into the caves…no one knew it then, but Enron used its clout to get the North Pole carpet bombed by the government. Just another dirty zealot with a beard in a cave…

Mrs. Claus died…she died a hero to the cause.

Q3.  Xmas or Christmas or Happy Holidays, What should we be using? 

Happy Holidays kid…I’ll be coming for you.  

Q4.  Eat, Sleep or Marry.  Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Rudolph?  (You know how it works) 

The blizzard is clearing up. But Rudolph was Santa food long time again. Easter Bunny died in a cargo container along with other refugees trying to escape from the brutal Imaginary Land Regime. The Tooth Fairy is still turning tricks in some back alley…post-war North Pole is now a place where you can only survive by selling pieces of yourself. Mrs. Santa? Well, she’s better off dead.  

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 7,  from Upper Twatton.  “Kyon at school says you ain’t real, I said you was and smacked him round the face, Teacher said I was bad and sent me out the class.  Are you real or wot?” 

Learn to smack harder kid! That’s the gift that keeps on giving! Here’s a tip for Abbygayle: Lots of U.S. quarters, put them in a stocking, swing hard, and don’t worry about being nice.

You just went to the top of Santa’s not-shit-for-brains list.  

Q6. Touchy subject here, what’s your opinion on sharing your special day with the baby Jesus? 

We fought in ‘Nam together! Toughest SOB to wear the uniform. May have had baby soft skin, but he was all heart and guts.  

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library? 

Dirty Harry – The Novelization.

Q8.  Are you sick of Slade’s song “Merry Christmas Everybody”?

Who the f*** is Slade? Stop asking such useless questions and I promise you won’t be a virgin anymore.  

Q9.  You are never seen out of your big red suit, I was wondering, do you have any tattoos or body piercings? 

Santa’s all man, kid. ALL MAN! The real question is how far down my cock reaches. Let me just say this. Satan once tried using it as a ladder out of hell.  

Q10.  What is President Trump getting for Christmas? 

Kid, meet the immortal Iron Fist.

I’ll give you one guess where his fist is going.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Kid!

Santa’s going to dig himself out of this pile of snow. Then he’s coming for you…

Well Santa is just as scary as I remember from when I was a kid and forced to sit on his knee in Debenhams.  I’d like to thank the mighty Daniel Clausen author of my favourite book of all time The Ghosts of Nagasaki . You can find him at his website, on Wattpad and Twitter.

 

Fake Interview: GG Allin

Hello everybody, if you could give me a moment as I’m gonna have to put down a tarp for today’s guest as he is well know for his…..loose fluids…..ok that should do.  Right it is my pleasure to introduce the greatest nutcase to have briefly lived on this here planet….GG ALLIN!!!  Who you say?  Check out his performance here:

 

Q1. Alright mate, you seem to be already covered in blood and we’ve only done the intro so far.  Care to explain how you got in this state?

How did I get in this state?!

Did you seriously just—

How did I get in this state?

How did SOCIETY get in this state, m*****f***** if you can’t handle the way I look you all shoulda thought of that before you made me what I am!

Look at the state of the world, man. Every day a quarter million people are lifted out of extreme poverty—

Wait, this site says the exact opposite.

Then what am I supposed to reflect?

Is the world good or bad?

How to navigate all this m*****f***** cognitive f****n dissonance?

I’m still figuring out the internet.

Q2. You a fan of Blondie?  Do you think her song “Rapture” is a rip off of the Sugar Hill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight”?

Man, all of this mainstream f****n corporatized sanitized b******t, it’s all the same, all of it!

You come to a GG Allin concert you don’t know what to expect but you’ll never go to a Blondie or whoever concert and get physically attacked.

That’s bad!

Q3.  Quite often I ask the question “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve done?”  I’m not sure that is going to work here so instead I’ll ask, “What’s the nicest thing you’ve done for somebody?”

Give the devil a reacharound.

Q4.  Who inspired you to become a musician?

I have a beast inside me, okay? I’m a goddamn animal, I don’t need inspiration, you just give me the stage and I let it out!
The Beatles were pretty good for a while though.

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 7,  from Upper Twatton. (Yes folks she has had a birthday)  “I heard Michael Bay is going to direct a movie all about your life, it is going to be called “Transformers 7: Attack of the Murder Junkies.  Playing the part of yourself is rumoured to be The Rock (dunno his real name, Dave summit I think) He got the part I assume due to similar hair styles.  What’s your opinion on that rumour that I have, like, literally just made up?

Look you want transformers come to a GG Allin show ‘cause I will transform into your God you Christian-ass, Sunday church-going-ass hypocrites.

I’m your Father Son and Holy Spirit and meanwhile you’re just stuck between my Dave “The Rock” Summit and my Dave “A Hard Place” Summit!

Drink my blood!

Q6. You ok to talk about your last hours being alive? Talk us through the events.

Look, the best amount of drugs to ingest is somewhere between “not so much that you stop existing” and “none at all ever.”

I may, in retrospect, now share the f****n consensus view where that debate is concerned.

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

The bible makes terrible f****n toilet paper.

The onionskin of those Gideon ones in the hotel rooms when you’re already your allotted three complimentary toilet rolls deep into a hangover diarrhea?

Just the worst.

Q8.  There is so much artwork on the Internets that people have done of you, could you pick out your favourite for me?

Yeah I seen all that stuff on the internet and I may be partial to a pencil sketch but all this browsing just got me thinkin, like, you want a fast, boundary-free connection to your fellow man, you don’t log onto the f****n internet like some f****n corporate drone loser f******–

You come see GG Allin, I’ll take your goddamn head and smash it into the head of your fellow man!

That’s not the internet, man, that’s the truth!

Q9.  If you could pick any artist to do a cover of one of your songs which artist would you pick and which song would they sing?

Yeah but you mean like past present or future, right, ‘cause I wanna hear The Rolling Stones version of “Die when you die” but they’ve all gotta be dead by now…

Q10.  It’s the Trump question that I always leave to the end.  You have just finished a gig in Washington D.C. you got a bottle of JD and a handful of random pills and you are currently standing in front of the gates of the White House, you can see Trump playing in his sand pit making little sand walls around himself.  What will you do?

An excellent opportunity to bend his ear about international relations.

Then I’m gonna smash that beachy bitch’s castle the f**k in!!

Well that was insane,  I fill really drained now, interviewing this guy is a bit like looking after a toddler that is juggling a panther, a leopard and a sneezing panda.  Anyways, he seems to be gone now so I’d like to thank Leo X. Robertson for playing the part of GG Allin.

Leo X. Robertson is a Scottish process engineer and writer, currently living on the island of Stord in Norway. His novella ,”Jesus of Scumburg”, comes out this Christmas with Hindered Souls Press.

Find him on Twitter @Leoxwrite or check out his site for updates: leoxrobertson.wordpress.com

 

Fake Interview: Beth

Hello everybody, I have another character from a book for you today, I hope she is aware she isn’t real, could get awkward real fast.  I would like to welcome Beth to this interview, she featured in a brill book I recently read called Jane by Riya Anne Polcastro and she will be featuring in an upcoming book called Dentata. 

Q1. Hello Beth, how are you doing?  Could you tell us a bit about yourself?

I’m doing fantastic, really fantastic. I’m so happy to be here! About myself . . . that’s so hard! Let’s see, I grew up in a small town in Oregon. The kind where they still expect you to marry your high school sweetheart and pop out some babies. My high school boyfriend was a terrible person and then I fell in love with a girl so that obviously wasn’t going to work for me. Turns out she was also a terrible person too since she started cheating and left me within a month of our wedding. So I’m really kind of heartbroken right now. I just need some acceptance—acceptance and love. Even if it’s just platonic love. Platonic love sounds real good right now actually. Wow! That was depressing! How about something a little more upbeat. Oh I know, I love to scrap book! Yeah really! Why are you rolling your eyes? Some of those supplies will come in handy in Dentata, just saying.

Q2. You are part of the “Circle” in the book Jane.  Could you give a run down of the other members and what you think of them?

Well first there’s Julia. She is my best friend! And such a strong, strong woman. I can’t imagine going through half the stuff she’s been through. But she just keeps on keeping on, just keeps pushing forward. I guess you could say I admire her. Yeah, yeah, I do look up to her, for sure. Angela is hilarious. She does great impressions. And she’s super loyal. Jane I’m not as sure about. She’s still friends with my ex-wife, which just, you know, well I don’t like it anyway. Katrina is a lot of fun. A lot of fun! Something may or may not have happened between us at some point, I’m not at liberty to say. Cherry shouldn’t even be anywhere near us, to be honest. You know she’s not even 18 right? What are we thinking? But she’s a lot of fun. And she’s definitely mature for her age.

Q3.  What is the most outrageous thing you have done so far?

Oh wow, that’s a hard one too. My life has really amped up since The Circle. A lot of sex. A lot of threesomes! A lot of alcohol. And a lot of drugs. And I’m probably the tamest one of all! Well except maybe Cherry, we don’t let her do drugs. I guess that is probably the most outrageous thing I’ve done—falling for Cherry. At least for now. The absolute most outrageous doesn’t happen until Dentata, so I won’t put any spoilers out there, but I am about to take it to a fucked up new level.

Q4.  Seeing as you are a character in a book, if you could jump ship and join another book which would you choose and how would you alter the story?

Hmmmm Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. Yeah. I would swoop in and steal Anna’s affections. Vronsky wouldn’t have a chance to ruin her life, and she would be free of her stodgy old husband. And she would be so happy with me! I would treat her like such a queen, we would raise Seryozha together, and that terrible ending would never happen. We would live happily ever after instead!

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 7,  from Upper Twatton. “I loved reading about you in Jane, my mum said it wasn’t appropriate for a 7 year old but I said “Whatever”. My favourite movie is Frozen and I was wanting to build a snowman but it never snows where I live, have you ever built one and do you have a picture of it for me?

I’ve built tons of snowmen Abbie, how did you know?! It’s one of my favourite things to do! I’m sorry I don’t have a picture for you though. But maybe we can build a snowman together if I am ever in Upper Twatton. Does it snow a lot there?

(Abbygayle) “It has never snowed in Upper Twatton, the lucky people in Lower Twatton get all the snow…all year round, imagine that! I could build a snow army there.“

Q6. If you were to join a dating site who would be the perfect partner for you?

Let’s see, she’d probably be average height, on the thin side. Funny. She’s got to be funny! And athletic. And good with tools so she can fix stuff around the house. She has to get along with my friends and not be all judgy judgy like everyone I grew up around. Maybe if she could also be a man so that my family would accept her. I don’t want a man though, so if she could just appear as a man to them somehow . . . What? You said perfect, you didn’t say anything about plausible right?

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

Caramelo by Sandra Cisneros. It’s the kind of book that transports you into its world, wraps you in the story’s culture, and just brings you face to face with humanity and human motivation and the strange dynamics of families and how messed up and awesome life can be at the same time.

Q8.  When there is nobody reading a book that you are in what do you do in your downtime?

You mean there isn’t always someone reading a book I am in? That’s disappointing! Maybe I should find a more popular author to tell my story. Really though, it doesn’t seem like I have much downtime. This Polcastro chick has me running laps with Dentata coming out this summer. I already mentioned scrap booking right? Right, yeah. Well I love it. I just love crafty stuff in general. I like to party too. Got that from The Circle. Some gin and juice, maybe a couple of lines, a bowl or two. That’s my perfect night right there. It used to be leading youth group in worship and prayer. Funny how much I’ve changed already, and how much more I am about to. 

Q9.  Describe the perfect meal.  Include food, setting and company.

The perfect meal is definitely a picnic. It would start with brie and prosciutto and crackers. Oh and grapes. A little champagne. It would be just me and Sami, in a meadow full of wildflowers. She will have realized the error of her ways and come grovelling back to me. For our entrée we would have cucumber sandwiches and macaroni salad and big old slices of watermelons. Then, for dessert, chocolate covered strawberries and more champagne. Sami would feed me the strawberries and then she would kiss me. I would melt into her and we would make sweet, sweet love right there in the meadow. 

Q10.  It’s the Trump question that I always leave to the end.  What would you do if you ever met him?

*Sigh. I would ask him why he has so much hate in his heart. Another *sigh. That’s really a better question for Jane. She’d probably do like that woman at the Tim Horton’s in Langley and take a dump, scoop it up with her bare hand, and throw it at him. I couldn’t do that though. I kind of wish I could, but I wouldn’t be able to.

I would like to thank Riya Anne Polcastro for playing the part of Beth.  You can see my review of Jane HERE. You can also find the author on Twitter and check out her Website.  

Fake Interview: Cassius Wagner

I have for you today another interview with a fictional character, this time from the amazing book THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, Please welcome Cassius Wagner.

Hello Cassius, how you doing’? nice to have you here today.

Thanks, good to be here! I— I’m not really sure where here is, come to think of it. But Minerva books my interviews and my car drives me there, so I don’t have to worry about it too much; on a whirlwind publicity tour for a book like THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, I don’t have time to enjoy a luxury like remembering where I am!

Q1. What is it like being a character in a book?  What happens when somebody closes the book?  Do you get fed up repeating the same story?

Good question! I have no idea how to answer that. I mean, where do you go when consciousness leaves your body, right? A reader reading a book is just the same as consciousness inhabiting an ego, so when the reader or consciousness leaves, what are we left with? When a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? What is the sound of one hand clapping? What am I going to have for lunch today? Life’s great mysteries, friend. From my perspective, I’ve only ever lived my life once. I’m still living my life, after all, right now! After the events of the book, my co-authors and I went on to edit the text and publish it as the work known as THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, a contribution to a new genre we’re calling ‘psychedelic fiction’. So, that’s what I’m doing from my perspective, but from the perspective of thousands of readers in the universe where the book is a work of fiction, who knows? It might be that every time somebody reads the book, another alternate version of me is created somewhere—maybe a whole universe is created somewhere! It’s a pretty wild thought.

I do believe in an oscillating universe—that is, a universe that repeats itself on a grand scale—but I don’t think there’s any way for us to remember the repetitions in life. Pretty sure I’m 100% okay with that, too. But the way we read books, put them down, come back to them time and time again—it’s a poignant symbol of a repeating world.

Q2. If you had the ability to move into another book which story would you enter and what would you do to try and alter that story?

Woah! Crazy thought. Another book, huh…that’s a hard question to ask an author, especially one who’s only recently figured out his world is a literary one. Well— I’m too old to get thrust up in detective fiction these days, and probably shouldn’t do anything pre-penicillin, so that leaves sci-fi if I want something exciting. Maybe DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP; I’ve always wanted to be Harrison Ford in Blade Runner. I mean the really old one, kids, not the newer one from 2017. And as for trying to alter it, hell, I don’t know if I’d alter it so much as abuse my knowledge of the universe and its author to be an even cooler Deckard than the Deckard Dick decked. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Q3.  The book you come from features a possible future for story writing, Do you think that is the most likely outcome?

Oh, the future of literature is a really interesting subject to me. You know, Katherine—my editor, wife, and co-author of THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE—Katherine and I have been watching a lot of that old HBO West World, actually from around the same time as the Blade Runner remake came out, as I recall; and I’ve been thinking about this a lot, this idea of the blurring of fiction and reality. It seems to me like there’s a law of diminishing kicks in effect for fiction. Every year, people want their fiction to be more real. To touch them more, to be more invasive in their world. When Disney bought Star Wars, they almost immediately started making hotels Star Wars themed, with plots you can interact with…then there’s that Japanese hologram mascot, Hatsune Miku, who’s a fictional character but also a beloved pop star in the real world. And my world, I mean— as far as I’m concerned, it’s perfectly real, but to somebody else on another world, the only evidence they have of it might well be the text titled THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE.

I think the future of fiction is going to get into a really muddy, philosophical place. At what point does a fictional person become real enough, and their consciousness become individuated enough, that they could be considered ‘real’? Does it take a body to make a person real? I mean, from my perspective, I have a body, and I’m physical, and I see or physically experience otherwise, but the existence of THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE, this book which wrote itself in my sleep courtesy of the thought to text device on my head, it seems to imply a higher order of reality where I’m really just a character in a book somewhere. If so, does the book I come from count as my body, static though it is? Or would I have to get a body of my own and have my consciousness uploaded into it in that universe in order to be considered as real there as I am here? And, if that happened, would I still be the same Cassius Wagner answering this question? What would happen to the me that was here, in this world? Would I appear to die here? I guess I really should try to get over into DO ANDROIDS DREAM, huh?

The future of writing specifically is interesting to me, because it’s the rawest form of creation that’s still more coherent than painting. Even if somebody doesn’t Receive a piece of fiction in their sleep while wearing the thought to text device called the Lightning Stenography Device, it still eliminates the need to do anything to be creative. We’re at a point where people just sit down and manifest fiction. That’s incredible. But when you’re manifesting something, are you really creating it? And if you’re not really creating it, then what, or who, is? I guess we’re not—or I’m not—at a point where that question can be answered definitively, but sooner or later, when machines have taken all menial labour and they begin to so streamline the process of creating art that even that, too, seems outsourced, human beings are really going to have nothing to do but to take an increasingly deep look at the mechanisms of how something is created out of nothing by the mind. And that will lead us, eventually, to the basis of reality, itself.

Q4. Share with me what you think is the creepiest video on YouTube….Or you could make your own.

Ahaha, the creepiest video on YouTube! That’s a tall order. Have you seen those Elsagate things, those creepy things the Russians or Cambridge Analytica or whoever make to traumatize kids? These videos, I won’t look them up to link you to them or I’ll get ads for similar stuff, but they’re, like, these really depraved videos featuring characters like Elsa from that Disney movie, Frozen, and Spider-Man and stuff. Katherine told me just the other day that they also have videos designed to teach children conspiracies, happy cartoon characters saying that the moon landing was faked, and all. I mean, what? I understand people have a lot of time on their hands these days, but come on…YouTube is getting to be a real cesspit. But for creepy that’s intentional, or some good, old-fashioned surrealism, there’s always the classic, Don’t Hug Me, I’m Scared.

Cesspit it may be, YouTube is a great place to go for low-budget horror. You ever watch Marble Hornets way, way back in the days of the ought’s? That was a good show before Slenderman blew up and everybody got bored.

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6,  from Upper Twatton. “My mum is trying to be a vegetarian, you ever tried that?  I hate it, because vegetables suck!

Hi, Abbers! No, I have not tried going vegetarian. Tell your Mom that by the 2030s she’ll be able to eat lab-grown meat on the cheap, so she’d might as well pick up a burger and stop feeling guilty. But, to be honest, she sounds like by that point in time she’ll be one of these Anti-Labbers, saying lab-grown meat causes violence in autistic videogames or whatever it is they’re clutching their pearls about.

Q6. Here’s a situational question type thing.  You have just finished writing a masterpiece, you print out a copy and then your computer dies, the manuscript you hold is the only one in existence.  You are hand delivering it to the editors, when the boat you are on hits an iceberg, let’s call the boat…..The Titanic III…. There is only enough room in your lifeboat for 3 people.  Yourself (with the manuscript), a child holding some flowers, a Nun holding the bones of Saint Bob, Clint Eastwood and the future inventor of a device that is better than sliced bread.  Which three people get to go on the lifeboat?

Difficult…very difficult. I probably shouldn’t be allowed onto the lifeboat if I made the decision to get on the Titanic III, but I’ll probably force myself on there, which leaves room for the kid, and…well, probably the inventor, especially since Clint Eastwood died in 2024 and is probably therefore a zombie in my timeline. So: sorry, Sister. Hope Saint Bob’s bones double as a shotgun and a life preserver.

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

I feel like my life’s mission, outside of promoting my own writing, is to make THE BOOK OF THE NEW SUN by Gene Wolfe into mainstream sci-fi. Get yourself a copy of that—and, of course, THE LIGHTNING STENOGRAPHY DEVICE—for your fake library and your real one, and you’ll be a happy and very enlightened reader.

Q8.  Who is your hero?

I have a hell of a lot of literary heroes, but maybe Walter Moseley. He writes books that remind me of the thrillers and detective stories I used to write, and he’s just so dedicated to the craft. I heard him speak once and his love for it was just phenomenal, you could really feel it. He’s not the most famous author, but he’s really churned out a lot of work, and he knows the secret to writing is to ignore absolutely everything going on around you, and write. He’s just a dude. He’s not all dysfunctional and dark like some writers feel they have to be; he’s also not this bastion of light and goodness the way mainstream, Oprah’s book club writers present themselves. He’s just a guy–a cool guy–who wears a cool hat and writes cool books. And brother, I dig that. 

Q9.  Being a writer means words are very important to you, is there a single word you love to use?

Lately, I’ve been really into the word ‘antimony’, and have been looking for a good place to put it. It just flows off the tongue.

Q10. President Trump has put on the Lightning Stenography device, after 15min of it writing his thoughts, you print out the results to read.  Could you give us a summary of what it says?

It could go one of two ways:

“Okay, Mister President, just put this on your head and let’s begin.”

TEXT OUTPUT: See that’s a very— that’s a good idea because you know my Father was a smart guy— good genes, real good genes, but he just didn’t love me enough, which is why I have to lie and try to keep my thoughts on track and fill the void inside the place that should have housed my soul with money and spankings from porn stars. Why did I agree to this? Why won’t this thing stop? Is it possible to sue a machine? Can I Google that question? Can I Google with this thing? Where does the word ‘Google’ come from, anyway? I mean I know it’s a number but it seems like it’s from some kind of fake language, faker even than Mexican. Can I own Google? Can I sue Google? Why is this headband so tight? Is it possible for Secret Service to shoot a machine?

That or nothing, since when you put a Lightning Stenography Device on the head of a dementia patient it usually just outputs blank text.

I would like to thank M. F. Sullivan for taking part in this amazing interview You can find her on TWITTER, WEBSITE and GOODREADS.

Fake Interview: Spring-Heeled Jack

Hello folks, I have a very exciting interview for you today, Spring-Heeled Jack, half man, half legend, half demon, half moustache and a whole load of handsome daredevilness.  He is also possibly the founding member of the free-runners, you know those silly people with too much energy that jump about on buildings, and maybe the original Batman! 

Hello Jack, it is an honour to have you here. 

Q1.  Are you Batman?

How dare you! Since escaping from my self-imposed exile I have acquainted myself with the fascinating workings of your super web of information and this man of the bats seems to have an unaccountable stranglehold on modern times. He is nothing but a mountebank! I have returned from my early and enforced retirement to reclaim my rightful spot as Prince of City Prancing. You see, I was having a particularly enthusiastic bout of leaping—for this is my principal talent—when, after a rather reckless vault, I jumped my way right into an abandoned silo, somewhere up north. These years I’ve been amusing myself by hatching numerous escape plans, none of which turned out on the successful side. It is well known that I have the power of frosty fingers that will give anyone the willies, but what is less known is that my demonically red eyes can excite objects to burst into flame if I stare intensely. My understanding of this bat fellow runs deep, but whereas his experience with bats proved him to be lily-livered—or at least a touch dramatic—and traumatised the poor man into vigilantism, I on the other hand toasted the bats that resided in the silo one by one! Such beautiful, and melodious (in their dying screams), flying torches they made, the only light source in my prison. As their flame died, along with their lives, they fell to me to become a crusty bat snack. Eventually the silo wall rusted to such an extent all that was required of me was a strong push with my superior thighs and I kicked my way to freedom. Would your Batman have possessed such patience? I suspect not!

Q2.  You have a mighty fine moustache that all the ladies love, do you have any grooming tips for all those 14yr old boys out there just starting on their face’s lifetime obsession with growing hair? 

From observing the unkempt hirsuteness on display across this fair land it is evident your young fellows need the hard-earned advice of a seasoned moustache twirler such as myself. There is nothing more conducive to the pleasing styling of a man’s face fuzz than the bracing wind of open country. So, I would suggest that packs of youngsters descend on the wilderness to shape their furs in mass galavanting sessions. In your modern parlance, I’m bringing dastardly back.

Q3. Why did you start doing all this creepy stuff at night?  Did it all start as something innocent that grew out of control?

Well, I wish I could claim youthful high jinks as an excuse, but I’m a rotter through and through! I began testing my wickedness by leaping from bushes to rattle the nerves of young maids, who were especially susceptible to swooning fits at the time. What else could be expected of a being such as myself—what with piercing red eyes, deathly freezing digits, worrying breath of flame, and unnatural cloven strides? No, a conventional life would never have me, so I decided early on to make my mark in a diabolical fashion. Since my recent reintroduction to society I have become aware that my previous methods of garnering notoriety will not now serve me well, as the modern maid is rebelling against such surprise attacks with self-possession and derision, and what supernatural power can combat such a thing? 

Q4. Do you have a social media presence? (I couldn’t be arsed to look). 

I am everywhere and nowhere. Where the eerie wind howls at night—I am there! Where dark shadows creep around corners—that is me! I’m on Snapchat.

Q5. There would normally be a question from Abbygayle, aged 6, from Upper Twatton, but she is literally under her bed crapping herself, I am assuming it is because of your scary appearance….any soothing words to help us coax her out from under her bed? 

I’d sing to her, in the style of a lullaby, I’d Rather Jack by The Reynolds Girls. (VIDEO) 

Q6.  Could you give me a book recommendation?  Possibly your favourite book written about yourself?

The only book I’ve read outside of the silo is Jump Attack: The Ultimate Program on how to Jump Higher and be More Explosive by Tim S. Glover. No book about me is worth reading as no one (apart from myself, obviously) can possibly capture the grandness and spectacle of my existence!  

Q7. You have spent a lot of time out and about, you must have seen some crazy shit out there, what is the most memorable moment for you?

I once saw John Ruskin kiss a hedgehog when he thought no one was looking, if that’s the type of salacious incident you are suggesting. As for the many other sights I’ve seen, my public will have to wait in drooling anticipation for my autobiography, Spring-heeled Jack: Ultimate Bounder. 

Q8. Share with me the creepiest video you can find on YouTube. (You can make your own if you like)

This is your toughest question yet! Before my accidental incarceration I thought I understood, and if I do say so myself, was the master of true creepiness. The YouTube has opened my red eyes to layers of creepy I am ashamed to have never imagined! So many depraved delights to select from, a true embarrassment of riches. Such as the footage of the time that queer fellow in a Max Headroom mask interrupted an episode of Dr Who, and began babbling in an art happening fashion until it became apparent it was all for getting his rocks off, or, of course, the terrifying sight of the Argentinian gnome. But I have found my answer, and it may shock you in its superficial benevolence. Nothing is as creepy as the lips of Donkey Ollie. Some may say that a donkey spreading a Christian message via the medium of ropey computer animation is harmless enough. But they would be wrong! His STD homage of a mouth insidiously hypnotises as his plaintive voice destroys resistance with tribute nineties power ballads. No one is safe from such an onslaught!

Q9.  Picture this, you have just pulled this stunning bird outside the Hogshead and she agrees to go on a date with you the next day.  Talk us through what you’d plan for the big date. 

Needless to say, having time for ladies that aren’t automatically running away from me has not been a priority. However, I’ve been trying to rectify this, as female distraction can be amusing in small doses. I made a short film of my thoughts after a recent date to a river bank went a bit wrong. Rather inevitably, I came back alone.

Q10.  You are crawling around on the roof of the Whitehouse and President Trump opens a door and comes outside for a wee.  What do you do?  

Use my frosty mitts to freeze him, mid flow, so solid no warmth could ever thaw him. This new statue, a modern update of that peeing boy ornament people put pond side, will be a fitting reminder of his time in office. I could usurp the presidency myself, but no office will cage me. No, I will skip away into the night in search of mischief. See you there.

Holy Crap! I am so glad that interview is over, those red eyes man!  I’ll be unable to sleep for weeks.

I would like to thank Rebecca Gransden for playing the part of Spring-Heeled Jack and for going the extra mile and creating that very creepy video of Jack’s date. If you enjoyed this then you really got to check out her books, incredibly vivid writing, check out my review of Rusticles.  You can find her on TWITTER. Also check out her website.