Hello everybody, it is with great pleasure that I present today’s interview with a very special guest. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE! Now if you would give me 5min whilst I ‘ave at him with a cricket bat’ …………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………… Blimey he is one tough bastard but I got him good. That beating was for every school kid for the last 1500 years for making them learn your silly plays, with all its extra e’s and made up words. Right! Questions.
Hello Will, mind if I call you Bill? I hope your journey through time and space was ok and that your host is a comfortable one.
My dearest Rockster, think you kicked me, did you? Are you sure? Did you really?
Away you three-inch fool! Do you have any idea who I am? Where I´m from? No! Because no-one does! No-one can pin me down, despite being the most famous name on the planet – no-one knows anything about me! Yet you all know me! I sell tea towels and tickets by the trillions! I prop up the English economy, help actors pay rent the world over! You all quote what I´ve written, sing my songs, use my made up words, but you can´t be a hundred percent sure if I even exist!
That last kick in the yard did fair smart though, you plague sore, you. I´ll give you that.
Q1. 2Bnot2B. What does it really mean? When I was a school kid I told my teacher you was trying to find a flat that yer best mate lived in so you could have a few ales with him. She said that was wrong. Who was right?
Oh, Rocky, you must know that our doubts are traitors – but you, sir, were so wrong thinking it was about ales and flats that you were went past right and carried on back into wrong again. I hope your teacher beat you black and blue. And then set fire to you and stood warming her hands as you cried for mercy – for then, and only then, might you have realised the meaning in my once-heard, never forgotten words. I´m beginning to think you´re unfit for anyplace but hell.
Q2. Love Mary Kill time. Your choices are Juliet, Lady Macbeth or Tony Soprano.
The three, the three, all at once, back to front, up and down, in and out – yes, love, marry and kill the three. Party on, Garth.
Q3. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6 from Upper Twatton. If you were going to get a tattoo on your lower back what phrase would you pick to be translated into Chinese?
One of two: “I´m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer” or “As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti, I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become”.
Either of those, Abbeygayle.
Q4. Have you travelled to any cool places?
Birmingham. Freezing. To be avoided, then as now.
Q5. Who was the biggest bellend from when you were alive? What sort of things did they do?
Dr Simon Forman, a fan of mine, without doubt, Rocky. He was well known to me – a friend of my landlady, a spectator at many of my shows – but he was also what these days you might call a Weinsteinish sexual predator. He worked mainly as a quack in London back then, prescribing remedies based on the planets and various alchemical and occult remedies – a kind of Paltrow of his day. Paltrow mixed with Weinstein, wrapped up in a dirty bath-towel, then. Forman even predicted his own death by drowning in the Thames. I´ll leave it to your imagination to guess what I did when we heard the news…tottering on the edge of London Bridge, britches ´round the old ankles.
Q6. Book recommendation. What book do you think everybody should read?
Ovid, Metamorphoses. Or In the Time of Nick by Nick Owen. Punnery of the highest order, almost Ringo Starr-esque.
Q7. Ever been in trouble with the fuzz?
Many a time, Rocky! But, you know what? Who is a man that is not angry sometimes? Naughty sometimes? Pilfers sometimes? Yeah, have I poached. Nicked. Borrowed. You really think I made all that stuff up? It´s what we do with what we nick that´s important – and you can quote me on that. The first thing we should do, if we ever get the chance, is kill all the lawyers. Word.
Q8. Either tell me a joke or do something funny on YouTube. (by the way this isn’t a question I know and don’t need to be told….if it helps I’ll put a question mark here —à?)
One I enjoyed on Ye Olde Twitter:
Q9. Can you create a brand new cocktail for me? I’ll need the name, what’s in it and how do you create it.
Cocktails are for the sick, Rocky! Sick in body and sick in mind! Caudles and possets were the cocktails of my day and only the sick and idiotic drank them then – as now! Ale is what you need. My dear father was the official ale-taster in Stratford and we all had micro-breweries in our house – don´t come to me with your talk of cocktails! Buy a nice bottle of White Lightning and mix it with two Barley Wines and tip in a Tenants Extra. Sup three pints of that goo for breakfast and seven pints with lunch and then come back to me and see if you want to keep talking cocktails!
Q10. Picture this scene. You are on stage at the Globe theatre, you are acting as King Duncan (from Macbeth) the play is called a Midsummer Nights Dream, you are a bit drunk. You look down at the audience and there in the front row is Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un holding hands. What do you do?
I would shout at them, “Do you see? Do you see? Do you see how we didn´t and never spoke like plummy upper-class idiots? We speak like farmers! Like nowadays Devon farmers! Isn´t that ironic? That everyone creams themselves over posh-voiced, perfectly intoned, clipped-voice “Shakespearean” speeches, when the way they talk has absolutely nothing to do with the way I ever talked, my actors talked or the way I wanted my speeches to sound!”
I would hope that might convince one of the posing fools to go on and press the button! They´d finally have a decent reason, anyway.