Hello folks, today I am interviewing local business man/Demon J’ephh Smhi’th, thirty-seventh acolyte of D’ouggh, Son of J’hon. You’ve probably met him at some point, ever felt pissed off for some strange reason? I expect J’ephh was behind that.
Q1. Hello Sir, how are you doing? I was wondering, could you tell us a bit about yourself? Your job sounds interesting from what I’ve heard.
Eh, hi, I’m J’ephh Smhi’th. Back in the day, they called me Jeff Smith, but when I came into my new position, regs say we need apostrophes and crap. To fit in. I died comin’ up a hundred and fifty … three? Years ago. My sins weren’t so horrible, technicalities really, The dogmatic stuff’s the worst.
So, instead of pits of fire and junk, I’m stuck with servitude, but at least it’s one where I work on the surface. I get to run around lookin’ a lot like I used to when I was alive, get some sun, chat to people, all that good stuff. I just have to fill quotas on CMTs (Common mortal torments). Know how karma can be a bitch? Well, call me bitch. If someone’s been really low-key sinning… mid-grade asshollery, that kind of thing, I get tagged to go cause them a hassle.
Q2. For the job roll you got assigned was there an interview process? (Just planning ahead as I expect I’ll be heading that way one day.)
I don’t know how I was assigned this specifically. I don’t know if I’ll ever get reassigned, it’s not a very communicative management structure. For all I know, the difference between being made a slave instead of being turned into an eternal rectal tiki-torch comes down to a time in life when you decided not to kick a puppy.
I can imagine there’s some scorecard or grading system, but again… I’m not in management, so I have no idea. I can only say- play it safe, karma, as I mentioned, is a bitch. And I think she peeks at Saint Peter’s books.
Q3. So, have you ever met the big man Satan himself?
He doesn’t really use the name ‘Satan’ too much these days. He lost his taste for it when people started calling America ‘the Great Satan’. Not that he has anything against America specifically, but it waters down the brand, you know? He sticks to Lucifer. I thought it would kind of bring up bittersweet memories of his early days, but what do I know? I’m basing all this on speculation.
No, I never met him. It’s like asking a repair rep on a Microsoft help-line if they ever met Bill Gates. It’s not a small community down there. You think Earth has a lot of people? Think of how many people have DIED. Last I heard, the count mas over 113 BILLION. With a B. Even a modest chunk of that is… well, it’s a lot more than the man at the bottom has time to have tea with.
Q4: Tell me more about your work, what exactly is it you have to do? I know you gotta cause some hassle, can you give a recent example of a job you’ve completed?
Well, I get a… call it a vision… but it’s more like a post-it note shows up in my head. Today started with a lady who left a fake note on a parked car she scraped up with her own car. You know, one of those “A lot of people are watching, so I’m writing this note to make it look like I’m giving you my number” things.
Next time she parked her car, I was there to place a nail where it would drive into her tire when she moved again. Easy peasy.
After that, I had to go to a cafe and order something after taking forever to decide… he got sick of standing there waiting and told me to call him back when I decided, which I did, then changed my mind. Quite a few times. I finally ordered something, then when I got it, I yelled at him for ten minutes for getting the wrong one. He got the right one, but I insisted I had actually decided on one we hadn’t even talked about.
Did I mention I went in as a bike courier, and managed to knock crap off counters with my bike ‘by accident’, twice when going from the door to the counter, and once more on my way out?
The trick, at least for me, is trying to minimize agitation to innocent bystanders. Like the cafe thing, I waited until there weren’t many people in there, and when another customer came in behind me, I started to wrap it up. Might not be how the job was intended- I sometimes wonder if agitation of innocents is part of the job. I know his customer service will be suffering for the rest of the day, and I feel bad for the other customers.
But that might be all part of Lucy’s plans. Which then I’m a part of it, because of COURSE I am, and THAT makes me feel bad sometimes, but that’s part of my own torment, I guess.
Then I had a less complicated one, where I just yawned overly-dramatically while walking down the sidewalk and elbowed some shmuck in the head. And then blame him, of course.
Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 7, from Upper Twatton. “Can the public hire you? Tattianna cut the hair of both of my Barbies and I wanna get revenge on her, would you cut her hair whilst she sleeps? How much will it cost?
Fraid independent contracts are a big no-no. My contract is pretty binding, blood signature and all that. You CAN offer your soul to the big guy, if you know how to get his attention, but he tends to do that ‘works in mysterious ways’ shtick. Lucifer answers every prayer, but sometimes the answer is no, blah blah. Honestly, it’s not very efficient for quick revenge. Lucy helps those who help themselves… And doing ‘things’ yourself is a great way to get on his radar. This is one way to work up credit for bigger things down the road, but… there’s that whole soul thing.
Look, I’m a company man because I have no choice, but I’m not a Company Man. At 7 years old, don’t get tied up in contracts. You see kids getting cell plans that young, and it’s already a bad situation. Lucy doesn’t do 2-year contracts.
Shop around. Maybe a grade 5 bully can hook you up for like… a bag of crisps. That would be a kid on my career path. So, like… hire that kid, then do me a favour and follow it up with a prayer for the bully to the other team. Kinda a bait and switch as far as the Lucy/Jeho thing goes, but frankly, I think they’re into that. It’s certainly been going on long enough.
Q6. Do you have any hobbies you do in your free time?
Well, weekends are my main free time, but I also have to spend ‘em down below. Topside, I’m on call all the time. Like I could get pegged to do a job at any moment right now, so it’s hard to plan anything fun. I bike, strike up conversations with anyone, really. Enjoy nature… that’s all I can really trust on having time for.
Down in the bad place, options are pretty slim, too. I get to let out my tail and relax a bit. Sometimes I go to a pit of really, really bad folks, and throw things at ’em. Sounds cruel, but these are the types that no one would feel bad about jamming a fork into their eye socket. Hardcore Nazis, serial rapists, private defence lawyers, people who post “FIRST” in comment sections.
OH! And the food SUCKS down there. Always. You expect spicy, right? SURE, only if you hate it. I love spice, and to me everything down there is like gargling a mix of banana slugs and glass. I have some friends down there who are pretty much in the same boat as me, we tried to unionize once, but of COURSE down there the mob got involved INSTANTLY.
So yeah. My best free time is up here, in the little moments between jobs.
Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?
I ran into this one a bit ago. Rubberman’s Citizens. Check it out, they live down below, but like… underground on Earth, not Hell. And they’re all ignorant as h… heck. But not evil ignorant jerks… well, not all of them, but they know a ton of nothing about the lands above. They’ve been under there for generations, and there’s a few thousand of them. This place is pretty big and divided into sections of groups who are ignorant in different ways. The Citizenry section is kinda known to be rough, and the Citizens are run by … okay, it’s a bad scene. Ever heard how war is worse than Hell, because at least in Hell, they deserve it? Well, a lot of people in Citizenry don’t deserve things like public exhibition rapes, and generally getting beat on. I was expecting it to be bleak all the way through with the hero Leena just surviving, but people who deserved things got some THINGS. By the end, it was kinda heart-warming. Compassion flowing from a history of hate and abuse. And some nice, healthy revenge. Revenge bad, wrath belongeth to God or whatever, but he helps those who help themselves. Frig, I dunno, pick your dogma, something will fit.
Or you could just go for Dante’s Inferno. Always good for a laugh.
Q8. If your life was to be made into a movie, who do you see as playing yourself?
Ooh, me in a movie? My mind goes to Brad Pitt right away, and I’m thinking of Se7en. Except I’m not as stubbley. Edward Norton comes to mind, but… I think I’m a little cuter than him. Am I on his level of wiry? Maybe. Eh, put me between Pitt and Norton. That sounds dirty. Why not? They’re cute by Earth standards.
Q9. Question about when you were alive…. Who was the love of your life?
Oh, I suppose I’d have to say it was Lizeldia. By no fault but my own, I hurt m’lady as I turned to wine and opioids more and more until they took my life. And there’s my greatest sin, my weakness as I let it hurt her. I’ll spare you all the details. I’d hoped that if I made such admissions, I’d be forgiven, but ****ING CONTRACTS!!!
Q10. Have you ever had to deal with President Trump? What would you do to him?
Oh my, wouldn’t that be nice? There’s many bigger boys than I who’ve put in bids on him. Most us are just hoping for a chance to watch when the time comes and he comes on down. He’s been set off limits to any visits such as my work while alive mainly because everyone’s interested in how badly he can do it to himself. My issue with that is that his methods don’t just hurt himself. But, I’m just a peon grunt, and Lucy works in mysterious ways. But…fantasy time? What would *I* do to him? How many of the Saw movies have you seen?
Brilliant! I enjoyed that interview and I hope it puts me in good stead with the folks downstairs for honestly portraying the good work they do up here. I’d like to thank Joseph Picard for taking part in this, check out his WEBSITE also catch him on GOODREADS, FACEBOOK and TWITTER. Be sure to have a look at his books as they are good fun, a few of them are now also available on Audible.