A thing of beauty is a joy forever. A Jay Spencer Green novel, by contrast, will haunt your dreams like an abusive waiter. Fowl Play now available in paperback!! Strategically priced on Amazon at a tenner so that you don’t have to pay for post and packaging. Discover for yourself why it’s been favourably compared […]
I’m into my fourth year of putting out stories and in the wider literary world nothing much has changed in all this time. In fact things are getting worse. The bestseller lists continue to be dominated by artless horseshit which any of us could churn out in a week. As I write this the current […]
THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED AS A BLOG BY DANIEL CLAUSEN AND FEATURES AN ENDING FOR HIS BOOK STRAIGHT FROM THE MIND OF ME.
(This chapter is one of five alternative endings for “The Underground Novel: An Alternative Guide to Life after Graduation”. The ending, ironically, spoils nothing! But if you want to start from the beginning, you can click here: https://www.wattpad.com/384227839-the…)
Several weeks after its release, The Underground Novel is a smashing success!
The movie rights have been sold, and the book rises through the best-seller list. In the bright light of the book’s glory, Dustin, J.P., McFadden, Pierce, Bernard, and George (who for some reason didn’t get a mention in this book) meet for a celebratory beer under the pier of Pompano Beach.
“We couldn’t have done it without you, George,” Dustin says. “You might just be the most important person in this novel.”
J.P. seconds that with his monkey squeaks and some chest beating.
“Yeah, exactly who are you again?” Pierce asks.
Dustin interjects, “Everything will be explained, but first a toast. Everyone raise your beers. This toast is for…”
Suddenly a sharp wind blows. Under the pier, three witches appear from a dark mist.
Dustin, J.P., McFadden, Pierce, Bernard, and George approach cautiously.
Pierce looks over at George. “George, are you a Star Trek fan by any chance?”
George replies, “Yeah, how did you know?”
“You’re wearing a classic uniform from the original series.
“Oh yeah, I loved the original Star Trek.”
J.P. squeeks something in his monkey tongue.
“What did he say?” George asks.
Dustin translates, “Something about a red uniform meaning something special…”
“Oh,” George says. “Well, let’s discuss this after we find out what these witches want.”
George always the bravest among the group approaches the witches first.
Suddenly the first witch speaks…
When the hurlyburly’s done
When the battle’s lost or won
A best-seller appears, oh my dear
And for a best-seller, a sacrifice of one
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and strikes George.
“For fuck’s sake…” George yells as he disintegrates. “And I wanted to be in the mov…ahhh…”
“No, McFadden!” yells, “Anybody but George…after all those things he did in that one part!”
Dustin steps forward. “In the name of awesome novel endings, state your business witches!”
The second witch speaks.
After this character’s death
A cheap rip off of Macbeth
Do not dare to dither
The sequel monster comes hither.
Dustin nods his head pretending to understand. “Okay, I think they just want to buy some meth. Do any of our contacts sell meth? Also, J.P. can you get someone on our staff to call George’s parents and let them know their son has been disintegrated in a random bolt of witch-lightning…also, have the person send George’s parents a ham. Yes, a ham would be very nice!”
McFadden smacks Dustin on the head. “You idiot. These are the three witches from Macbeth. They’re giving you an omen. The sequel monster is coming.”
The third witch speaks.
The money curse
Will make full your purse
A fair novel did appear but in its place
At a rapid pace
Will stinky sequels follow
For in the land of crappy sequels
Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Hover through the fog and filthy air.
The sequel monster comes hither….
Out of the fire steps a being that looks strangely like Dustin’s literary agent.
“You guys…great news! Not only can I materialize out of fire, but I just sold the movie rights for a sequel to Underground Novel.”
The creature who looks like Dustin’s literary agent unhinges his jaw, it drops down to his chest and out of his mouth he produces a DVD. He shows it to us, his eyes now glowing red.
Underground Novel 2: The Return of Ron Jeremy!
“Isn’t it great! We’ve already sold product placement for KY Jelly and we’re anticipating larger ticket sales in China!”
His jaw unhinges again, this time even wider and two more DVDs come out.
“Look, it just keeps getting better!”
He shows us the covers.
Underground Novel 3: Three Entrepreneurs and a Baby!
Underground Novel 4: J.P. and Dustin go to Hawaii!
The monster smiles. “Incredible! I just bought my fifth condo with the rights to these. Wait! There’s more.”
His jaw unhinges even further, dropping to his waist, and he begins to vomit them up at a rapid rate.
Underground Novel 5: Dustin’s Sex Change!
Underground Novel 6: Dustin and J.P. meet Bill and Ted…also, maybe they have an excellent adventure together!
Underground Novel 7: Police Academy 11
Underground Novel 8: J.P. Needs Dentures
Underground Novel 9: Entrepreneurs in Space!
Underground Novel 10: J.P., Dustin, and the Muppets do Vegas!
Underground Novel Presents – Fifty Shades of J.P.
The Underground Novel Prequel: J.P.’s Origin
The Underground Novel The Musical Parts I, II and III
The Underground Novel: Celebrity Underground!
Dustin steps forward and picks up Underground Novel 6.
“Hey, I know we plan to kill this monster at some point, but I actually want to see this one. Even if they have to recast Keanu Reeves, I would still shell out ten bucks to see this…”
At that moment, the monster’s jaw unhinges even more until it hits the sand.
“Oh no! There is no stopping this!” Bernard yells.
The monster continues to spew out sequels and as he does he swallows up the Macbeth witches too. “More characters to recycle into sequels…ha ha ha…use movie rights money to buy condos in Miami…HA HA HA…”
McFadden pulls out her gun and fires several shots at the monster, but it does no good. “Shit, tough mother fucker!”
J.P. throws several smoke weed grenades at it, but the monster simply sucks up the weed grenades and recycles them into another sequel: Underground Novel 15: Dustin and J.P. meet Cheech and Chong.
Bernard steps forward. “I just want to point out that condos in Florida aren’t really a great investment at this point. Might I suggest that you put your money into a no-load, value-indexed mutual fund instead?”
Pierce throws a stick of gum, which the monster devours. “There!” he says. “Now if we get eaten we’ll at least get to enjoy fresh breath. I’d also like to point out that even though I’m mostly a writer and don’t usually add much to a scene, I’ve contributed something.”
J.P. looks at Pierce skeptically.
Dustin finally declares the obvious. “Face it! There’s no stopping this thing! We’ve doomed the entire civilization to pointless sequels for eternity.”
And just as Dustin says this, George rematerializes.
“George!” Dustin, J.P., Bernard, Pierce, and McFadden yell at the same time.
“Didn’t know I had wizard powers did you, sequel monster? No one did! But I do bitches! And now, I’m going to use the last of my wizarding power, which I’ve developed from years of Dungeons and Dragons and going to Comic-Con to drag you…to Hell!”
George grabs the sequel monster whose jaw is now back to normal. He looks like a normal agent again.
“Wow! You’re quite the hugger!” he says as he gives a jovial laugh. “Don’t forget to call me, Dustin! We’ll do lunch next Wednesday. I’m sure I get great cell reception in Hell so it should all work out. You know how to get there.” He winks at Dustin. “We’ll have our regular table.”
As George drags the monster through his wizardly portal he manages to give the five heroes the Vulcan salute. “I have been and always shall be your friend!”
And before they know it, the portal closes and George and the sequel monster are gone.
The night is quiet once again.
They all look at where George and the sequel monster disappeared in shock. All except Dustin. Dustin picks up his beer and takes a sip.
“See! Told you George was the most important person in this novel!”
The Underground Novel fully embraces the power of collaboration. With that in mind, I’d like to thank Jason!
Who the hell is Jason?
Jason is… Ace adventurer, book reader, beard farmer, as handsome as a bag of baby Johnny Depps and he runs a BLOG (https://felcherman.wordpress.com/)…you can check out his writing…unless you are Donald Trump. Then you’ll probably want to keep away.
Stunning piece of art
Finished the drawing last night.
Never really know what to say or explain after a drawing. I’ll do my best to explain this one.
At the beginning of creating this piece of art, like always, you never know what the final product will look like. You can have ideas and use your imagination.
But however, if you give up on something, nothing will be achieved. This drawing was quite fun to create in the process.
Before making a drawing I have no idea, or plan to what’s next to create. It kinda happens in the moment. I look through pictures and focus on certain things.
Looked through 100’s of pictures and usually there’s one that catches my eye.
This one caught my eye and I sketched this one. It’s as if the drawing lured me in and I didn’t choose the drawing. This life happens to you and everything is…
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ePuB edition of Fowl Play out now via Draft2Digital and Playster. Kindle edition set for release on February 10 (all stores). Paperback due out in the spring.
Check out the paperback release of Prezident Scumbag just in time for Christmas. Also Sick Bastard have released their Christmas single.
“Dreyfus writes with the darkly absurd humour of a thirsty and somewhat paranoid Jonathan Swift.”
Finally, after much parping around, celebrated rebel author Rupert Dreyfus has released the first instalment of his anti-Trump series of novellas in paperback form. After Spark reached the top 10 spot on Amazon and The Rebel’s Sketchbook was named as the top read of 2015 by The Morning Star, Prezident Scumbag! is set to become his most memorable work to date.
Here’s the lowdown…
“While kicking about their squat, a community of crust punks from the north of England learn all about the newly elected President of the World. Turns out this president happens to be their worst nightmare in a shirt and tie. He is, in their words, a corporate swine who promises to make things do stuff tomorrow. Nobody has a fucking clue what he’s talking about.
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Congrats to Rupert 3 brilliant years of Guerrilla Fiction Publications
Almost three years ago to the very day I put out my debut novel Spark. If my brother hadn’t convinced me to do it then it would never have happened because I presumed it was awful and that everyone would hate my guts. Fifty Goodreads reviews later and it’s still doing alright.
Since then I’ve released a number of stories under Guerrilla Fiction Publications. I’ve covered subjects such as the war against the poor, climate change, North Korea and talentless boybands. Each of them are intended to provide an alternative to likeminded people and to keep the spirit of counterculture alive when life online is becoming increasingly homogenised.
As far as independent releases go my stories have travelled a fair bit over the last three years and I’m eternally grateful for the support I’ve received. In a world of point-and-click disposability, I don’t take any of it for granted…
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