Fake Interview: Stumpy Sue

I would like to welcome our first literary character to the Interview chair. Stumpy Sue is the awesome 11 year old hacker chick from the novel Fowl Play by Jay Spencer Green, You can see my review of this book HERE>.  

Hello Sue, how do you do?  (hehe), nice to have you here in this groundbreaking literary/reality crossover. 

Q1. My first question has to be about the sport Chicker.  You are the mascot right?  Have you got to wear a costume?  Also any chance you could explain how the sport works?  Maybe give me the run down on the rules?

This is my costume. On non-game days, I’m a 17-stone pie-eating nightclub bouncer with steroid problems and a fondness for the works of Jean Genet. Need to keep the public at arm’s length, know what I mean? As to the rules of Chicker, FIIK. Go ask someone who gives a turd. 

Q2. What is it like being a character in a book?  What’s it like when somebody closes a book?  Do you get fed up repeating the same story?

Dark, lonely, and tedious. The same faces, the same routines, the same wanky jokes. Pretty much like your life on the outside, tbh. Everything tastes of paper.

Q3.  How did you get into computers?  What’s your favourite processor?

Lack of parental supervision (they kicked the bucket a while back) and a guardian who thought CoderDojo would be a good way of keeping me out of trouble. My favourite processor is the Sage Kitchen Whizz Pro, although it’s 300 fucking quid from John Lewis in the Trafford Centre. Larceny! 

Q4. What is it like living with Jo?  You seem to put on a front of not caring but I reckon you consider him almost ok-ish.

He appears to think I don’t know about all the groupies he bangs in the hot tub out the back, but there’s only so much spunk a water filter can handle. The parky winter has cramped his style a bit this year and he’s had to bring them indoors where he has no excuse for the dimensions of his trouser monkey. He feeds me, and I make sure he washes his hands first. I don’t expect much else. 

Q5. Here’s a question from Abbygayle, aged 6,  from Upper Twatton. “S-up Bitch?”

You’re winding me up. No fucking six-year-old talks like that. 

Q6. Here’s a situational question type thing.  You are on the bus travelling to Boots for something to help with Jo’s latest hangover, some woman stands up and says “there is a bomb on the bus, if we go below 50kph it will explode”.  You happen to be sat next to Keanu Reeves, How do you handle the situation?

Well I reckon I can do 50 kph with my blades on, so the first thing I’d do is hop off the fucking bus and run alongside it while offering invaluable advice to the remaining passengers, or “victims” as I like to think of them. I’d probably recommend using Reeves’s bloated and otherwise useless body to smother the blast. 

Q7. Could you give the readers a book recommendation to sit on our fake library?

I particularly enjoyed All the World’s a Stage, Coach! by Astrid Measles, in which high school jocks justify their enthusiastic participation in Oklahoma! without recourse to homophobic tropes or misogyny. Oh, hang on. I’m thinking of American Pie.  

Also, never buy a book that smells of fish. 

Q8.  Who is your hero?

The Cottingley Fairy girls and them kids in Fatima who invented the Three Secrets. Grown-ups are such schmucks.     

Q9.  One more question about books….Would you like to Jay to write your own story?  Some epic adventure through time maybe?

Sooner write my own story, thanks, than depend on some malevolent illiterate with a murky agenda. You know how books sometimes have unreliable narrators? Think how we feel about unreliable authors.   

Q10. President Trump has come to watch the Trafford Titans play, the Zamboni is sat next to you. What would you do?

At first, I’d vomit copiously, just like everyone else there. Then I’d have to clean it up, so the Zamboni would come in handy. The rest of the scenario is highly implausible, if you ask me. Helmets aren’t allowed in the stadium.

Big thanks to Mr Green for taking part in this madness….I mean Interview, I thought things were very close to kicking off between Sue and Abby, luckily I managed to calm Abby down with some pictures of unicorns.  Be sure to go and check out his books, info can be found HERE> 

Advertisement